Why Detachment Is a Key Element to Success

During year-end reviews, it is normal to consider all of our successes as well as our mishaps. And while we want to share our accomplishments with others, we also know when we missed our goal. How we frame our wins and losses is critical in how we move forward. Dwelling on our past can prevent us from moving onward and yet, it is normal and sometimes essential to examine why things didn’t work.

Three things to consider when doing a year-end review.

Know your blind spots.

In a recent conversation with a dear friend, I explained why I chose to work with a particular editor. She was curious about the reasoning behind my decision, and I promptly explained when it comes to my writing, I tend to have a blind spot. I’m often too close to the subject matter at hand.

We all have blind spots, and identifying them can prevent failures and increase our chances for success. When we can seek help from them, we can receive advice as well. This lessens the burden of thinking we have to do everything on our own.

Detach and surrender from the outcome.

One of the best pieces of advice I received early on was from my friend and mentor Deepak Chopra. A few days before my book, "A Widow’s Guide to Healing” was set to be released, I found myself in a state of overwhelm. And while I had substantial pre-sales, I feared the sales wouldn’t go through, or no one would show up for my book events. As a first-time author, I didn’t have any previous experience in this area to glean from, so I relied on his advice. He knew I had worked tirelessly on this book project and said, “You did everything you could (to make this a success), now detach.”

Silence. I couldn’t comprehend what he was asking me to do. My entire heart as well as the narratives from other women are in my book, and detaching was the last thing I intended. However, I could hear his wisdom was firm. When we get caught up in the outcome, we can beat ourselves up, and it can prevent us from being receptive. When we are in a receptive mode, we can listen and discover ways to cope with our tough emotions.

Last evening on a live Zoom call, Oprah Winfrey shared the story of how she desperately wanted the role of Sofia in Steven Speilberg’s film, The Color Purple. When she was told Alfre Woodward was being considered for the role, Winfrey says she lost hope and immediately “surrendered” the part to God, and blessed Ms. Woodward in the role. Winfrey detached from the outcome. Ultimately, Winfrey was cast in the role and also nominated for an Academy Award.

Change the narrative

One of Margaret Atwood’s famous quotes is, “In the end, we’ll become stories”, and the stories we tell ourselves about our successes and failures can shape the trajectory of our lives. The words we speak about ourselves to others matter just as much as the ones we utter when no one else is around. We try to live up to the expectations of others, and when we fall short we tend to lose faith in ourselves.

One way to think about our shortcomings is that we make discoveries about the things that matter when we take a risk. We tend to dwell on what is missing instead of seeing the misstep however painful it is for what it is, an experience. An experience of ourselves in our most optimistic state when we saw potential and in our state of acceptance when things didn’t work out.

The things that change the narrative are when we leave room for the possibility. When we close the door on ourselves we can’t give ourselves grace. We often become better versions of ourselves when we overcome hardships.

The moments that bring you to your knees are the same ones that cause your “plot” to shift. Your storyline changes because you make certain choices. The next chapter you write might be different because you’re paying more attention to your gut, or because you’re seeking help, or because you're including someone new on your page. Word by word, verse by verse, your narrative evolves. Pay attention to the images you set before yourself. Pay attention to the words you speak to yourself and others. The smallest words often have the greatest impact on your story.