3 Things to Know When Clearing Out Your Loved One's Things

After your loved one dies, one of the most painful things you may have to do is to go through their belongings. The very act of doing this can bring about intense feelings of sadness, anger, and grief. For our book, A Widow’s Guide to Healing, my co-author, psychologist James Windell, and I spoke with Wendy (not her real name), 62, on the day she was going through the belongings of her husband of 41 years nearly two years after his death from a heart attack. In our book, she said, “It is really difficult to go through his things. But it is his stuff. And I think it is time for it to go. You have mementos, and then you have things. I have the memories of all our years together. I don’t need to have things.”

However, not all widows or those who are grieving feel the same way. Grief can impact each person in a different way depending on many things, including, but not limited to, the cause of death, the age the person died, and the type of relationship the bereaved had with their loved one. And when it comes to the things belonging to the loved one, strong emotional times may exist, which might be difficult for others to understand.

Personally, I know I treasure all of the things I have from my late father, who died of cancer at age 30 over four decades ago when I was just two weeks shy of turning five. Due to my young age when he died, I wasn’t able to develop a typical parent-child relationship with him, and one of the ways that I got to know him was through the things that my mother saved for me.

When a child loses a loved one, it is important to keep as many things as possible for them because they may want to look at them much later. For example, a young child may not be able to appreciate their mother’s necklace until years later when they’re commemorating something special (i.e., graduation, wedding) and are longing for something of hers to carry with them.

Creating a special memory item can be bittersweet.

Before my husband died, he was in hospice at our home. During this time, my friend and I were standing in front of his closet. She was helping me select the suit he would wear for his burial. At this time, she asked if she could take a number of his shirts. I asked what she was planning to do with them. She said, “I’m going to make you a memory quilt with these shirts.”

This gorgeous memory quilt is one of the things I would grab in a fire.

When possible, take your time sorting through your loved one’s belongings.

In most cases, sorting through and clearing out your loved one’s clothes and other possessions won’t need to be done immediately. You are in the midst of an emotional tsunami and may not be able to decide what to keep and what to give away.

The process of sorting through things is different for everyone. Sometimes the bereaved feel compelled to clear everything out right away, perhaps in an effort to gain control over the situation. This is one of the times in which you should listen to your heart and not let anyone (including your relatives) pressure you into giving anything away that you don’t want to.

Take photos of your loved one’s things.

The handwritten letters my (late) father wrote are priceless and remain in a bank safe. However, there are times I want to read them and don’t want to go to the bank to do it. Fortunately, I am able to look at the photos I took of the letters and read them.

Photos are also a good way to catalog your loved one’s belongings in case something should happen to them, such as water damage, or you decide to part with an item. For example, one of the widows I interviewed for the book said she didn’t want to keep one of her husband’s cars but took several photos of it before letting it go.

Giving away things can bring up painful memories, and you may need extra emotional support, such as therapy. Remember, it is also OK to ask a friend to help you sort through things. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is something that is ongoing, and your loved one is worth remembering.