Unconventional Wisdom: Dating After Divorce

I've been divorced for three years and have two boys ages 5 and 9. After a bad one-year on/off relationship, I've been pushing men away. At first I was angry, but now, even though I feel ready to date, I'm unintentionally rude and critical to new people who show interest. When I try to be nice, I feel awkward. I have forgotten how to flirt! I feel guilty for even considering a new relationship because my kids don't want me to date at all. I feel my focus should be even more on them, and I'm torn. I don't get out much, but I would like to feel willing to accept a new opportunity if it presented itself. How do I stop pushing men away?

Start by pulling yourself together and managing your conflicted feelings. Flirting is one of life's great skills and pleasures. It's worth regaining the ability, which operates on playfulness, the very thing that anger robs. If for no other reason, it's time to ditch the anger. But of course, there are plenty of other reasons. It's not clear whether you're angry at your last lover for not fulfilling your dreams (especially after your divorce) or at your kids for not wanting you to date. No matter—the romance is history that anger can't rewrite, and your relationship with your kids needs boundaries, not furies.

What makes a person ready for a new relationship is examining and accepting his or her role in the liaison that went bad; it really does take two. Devote a little time now to thinking about why you got into an unhappy relationship or allowed it to continue—kick yourself once, if you must—and figure out what you will do differently next time. Now you have something to put into practice, something to propel you forward. Even the worst relationships aren't a complete waste if you at least salvage some life lessons from them.

You have every right in the world to date—as long as you're meeting your children's needs. What kids, especially boys, want to share Mommy with a stranger? It all depends on how you present dating to them. Which is to say, you shouldn't. It's best for children not to be involved in adults' dating life—until there is a serious romance that has a future and it's with someone willing to take the time to get to know the kids.

You may have to do some juggling to arrange going out at times that do not conflict with your sons' needs. Remember to reassure your kids that you will be safe, that you will be home later, that you will always be there when they need you. It's when they're not confident about those basics that they get possessive. Just as you don't want to get hurt, neither do your kids.

And while you're getting your head and your life in order to resume the mating game, get up to speed on flirting by watching To Have and Have Not (Bogey and Bacall!), It Happened One Night (Gable and Colbert), Under the Tuscan Sun, or The Adjustment Bureau.

A Lapsing Lover

I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a man for the past five years. We see each other every few months. I have tried to break things off but always end up seeing him again. How do I gather the strength to end this?

You don't need some magical missing strength; you simply need a more active roster of other things to do that bring pleasure into your life. There must be classes and groups you can join that build on interests that you have. Books? Movies? Hiking? Singing? Cooking? You can find an array of meetup groups in your area via the Internet. Get out and have fun. Then when Mr. Wrong pops up next, thank him for calling; tell him, kindly, that your schedule is pretty full and that the on-again/off-again thing just isn't working for you. And wish him well.