Advice: Facebook Face-off

I'm 58 and my wife is 46; we have been married for two years. Six months ago, she joined Facebook and spends an hour or so on it while sitting in front of the TV. Recently, while intoxicated, she remarked that at least two of her Facebook friends are old lovers and she initiated the contact. When I expressed discomfort with her electronic liaisons, she charged that I was controlling, jealous, and ruining her evening. She taunted me about every man on Facebook or in town she's ever felt attracted to. She claims she's hiding nothing, but she doesn't post her exchanges openly and tries to change the screen when I walk into the room. I know that she suffered from abusive parents and guess that she has many unresolved issues with rage and fears of being controlled or abandoned. Yet I am not willing to tolerate abusive behavior. Am I stupid to feel jealous—or to put up with her behavior?

No to the first, yes to the second—unless you both make efforts to emotionally connect with each other. Facebook, of course, isn't the problem here, although it sure is playing a growing role in undermining relationships. It just makes it easy to act on fantasies and impulses on a bad day—and that can snowball in so many different directions. You rightly sense that your wife's Facebook use can escalate into a real threat to your relationship. It's wise to be concerned about it—but not deflected from addressing the real issues. One is the deep insecurity Ms. Facebook feels that seems to make her especially needy for attention. The other is her inept attempts to let you know that there's something she isn't getting from you that she desperately wants. Don't you want to know what that is and when that feeling began to take hold? And why she feels she has to get drunk to reveal her feelings? She doesn't know how to ask for what she needs from you, and maybe she feels very ambivalent about her needs to begin with. That's the conversation you and she should be having, not trading painful barbs and accusations. That your wife had to be drunk to tell you about her old lovers suggests she knows that she's playing with fire, but she also seems to be signaling that she's looking for warm feelings anywhere she can get them. Sarcasm, of course, is a relationship-killer; it's a kind of verbal aggression—it hurts and it undermines trust. One of the ground rules of your household should be no taunting or mocking of each other. Start a kind conversation, but call a time-out if sarcasm rears its ugly head, and very matter-of-factly, without argument, get yourself to another room in the house until you both can hold a conversation with respect. She likely doesn't have much of a template for doing this, so you might have to be the teacher and enforcer for two.