Fetishes and Compulsions

Why Does He Like Balloons So Much?

I have been intimately involved with a man for a year. He claims he loves me but does not show it; he kisses, hugs and feels me but would rather masturbate than have sex. He also has this uncontrollable impulse to lie. I have never encountered this before, so I know it's not me. He has a fetish with balloons and is constantly watching videos of them. I don't think he's gay because he looks at other women, and he has had a previous girlfriend. I'm wondering what is wrong with this man and what went on in his life to make him want to lie and just masturbate.

Let's see if I understand you correctly. Balloonboy lies, he doesn't have just a sexual fetish but also an unrelenting compulsion to indulge it during waking hours, his way of intimacy feels like rejection--and deep down you're not entirely convinced there isn't something wrong with you? What's wrong with you is your confusion of love with a conundrum. Let me break it to you gently: Balloonboy has a sexual fetish shared by an unknown number of others who call themselves "looners." They're latex-lovers turned on by the feel and smell of balloons; they enjoy inflating them and rubbing against them. They find high emotional drama in balloons expanding and potentially popping. You are a mere afterthought to a man who can get excited only (it's the "only" that makes it a fetish in the strict, clinical sense of the word) by fantasizing about balloons. But you are an accessory to his brazen lying; maybe the danger of getting caught assuages the guilt of his deviant desire, or maybe it intensifies it. Masturbation allows him to concentrate on his own fantasies without being distracted by an actual human being. In other words, he's incapable of a real relationship. Your concern with how he got this way is distracting you from the real question: Why have you been so willing to put up with so little for so long? Don't worry about bursting his balloon; he may not even notice when you walk out the door.

Our Differences Alarm Me

I have been in a relationship for six months with a girl who is really sweet, but we don't share any interests. I've dated a lot and pretty much know what I want in a relationship; she's dated only me, and I'm the only person she has slept with. We've talked about how we are so different, but I'm more bothered by it than she is. She hasn't cheated on me, been mean or given me any other reason to date others, but I feel I would be unfair if I left her to find someone I can communicate better with. I'd be constantly worrying about her. Others have advised me to break up with her before she gets too attached. But this is also the time that all my other relationships have ended.

You sound pretty attached without being able to articulate why. Bravo for using your discomfort not to run off but to dig deeper. For the record, it isn't lack of shared interests that sinks relationships, it's lack of respect for the partner's interests. Two people have to be willing to share their worlds, and one way is via communication. Perhaps you feel her interests are unworthy of you in some way? Also, communication is a two-way street; very often you get only what you give. Try giving more; you may be surprised by what happens.

I've Fallen in Love with a NonChristian

I'm 28 and have been with my only boyfriend for more than five years. I recently gave him my virginity. I am a Christian and have always felt strongly that I'd wait until marriage. But my boyfriend does not believe in God, so marriage is not a realistic option (my family disapproves of him). Numerous ministers have advised me to end it; they say that even if my boyfriend followed Christianity, the relationship would never work because he'd be doing it for my sake, not for his own soul. It's so difficult to find love; I don't want to have to find another man based solely on religion. Should I wait and see if my boyfriend decides to follow Christianity, or should I break it off and hope for a Christian man?

How admirable that you have chosen what you judge to be the right way to demonstrate love, despite the disapproval of authority figures. It takes a great deal of inner strength, which will serve you well in life. It will also allow you to stay the course, not in hopes of converting your boyfriend but to convert yourself. The fact is that, especially in pluralistic societies, people of different faiths and traditions fall in love and marry all the time, and manage to lead ethical, honorable lives. They make it work by sharing basic values and respecting each other's observance. That, it seems to me, is the truly (Judeo-) Christian thing to do.

I Get Everything But Sex

I have been married for 22 years to a hardworking yet distant man. He is a great father and a wonderful provider. He tries very hard to give me everything-everything but intimacy, even on vacation. In the past I have had two or three lovers, each lasting many years. My husband was too busy to notice. I have tried very hard to communicate with him about my needs and desires. He jokes, gives me hoops to jump through (promising sex as a reward) or gets annoyed. When we do have sex, it is very good. We went to counseling once and he was better for a time, then slipped into his old ways. What now?

Figure out what your husband does with his own desires. I hope you regularly express appreciation for everything your husband does contribute; failing to do so, or focusing only on what he is not doing, is a sure way to shut off sexual interest. While speaking up for your own needs is essential in any relationship, so is asking a partner what his needs and preferences are. Is it possible that they're not the conventional ones, and he has chosen to satisfy them elsewhere? Have you ever considered the possibility that your husband is having an affair? Have you ever asked him if he is satisfied with the level of intimacy you now have? It's hard to be emotionally intimate when two people are hiding something.

I Distrust Women But Want A Partner

My ex-wife and I married right after I graduated from high school. We were both virgins and promised we would stay together no matter what. Six years, three children and a vasectomy later, she took off with another man. The pain and betrayal have left me with a sour feeling toward marriage, long-term relationships and women in general. It doesn't help that the women I've met since have been in some way attached; one was even married. The other women I attract want what I can no longer give: children. How can I get over my anger and distrust of women? I really would like to find a life mate to share my love.

Although you're well out of school, you still have some homework to do. No question-life gets harder for couples, especially when children arrive. If the burdens of family life aren't openly discussed and equally shared, resentments take hold and romance sours. For reasons you don't make clear or may not be aware of, your wife's head was turned by another man. Don't you wonder whether it was something in your relationship that made her susceptible to distraction? That's not justification for betrayal. But instead of aiming all your anger at your ex and her ilk, aim for a deeper understanding of yourself and your contribution to the situation. Did your ex emit signals of dissatisfaction that you missed or ignored? Promises are generally not strong enough glue to withstand the pressures of modern life. It takes continual attention to each other's world to keep a relationship on course. Figuring out what went wrong-a kind of "exit" conversation with your ex could help-will give you critical knowledge so you can keep lightning from striking twice. That will restore your trust in your own ability to handle a relationship without fearing constant betrayal. You seem bent on finding women who will confirm your negative views. Yes, you're right, many women want children, but many are also willing to help raise those of someone they love. As you take responsibility for what went wrong, you'll be more likely to attract such women.