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Here are four easy-to-apply strategies for sidestepping
power struggles. These tips come from the trenches-from parents
of defiant children that I have worked with over the past twenty
years. Don't be attached to immediate results, and focus
on joining with your child rather than being his or her adversary.
1. Think "prevention."
Focus on what makes your defiant, easily frustrated child melt
down. Be mindful of the triggers that lead to incidents, and try
to identify any warning signals. By now you probably have a good
idea of which situations are likely to cause power struggles. While
there may not always be a rhyme or reason, you may find your
child's defiance is more likely to spike with issues such as:
• Your reactions to his clothes.
• Your reactions to her friends.
• Your requests to clean up his room.
• Your requests for homework to be completed.
• Disapproving of any of his choices.
Try to discuss these difficult situations with your child during a
calm moment and ask him for help in solving the problem. One
of my clients had a fourteen-year-old son named Dan who complained
and refused to take his medication for his attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) at 7:00 am, which was the time
his parents felt he should take it. Tensions had been mounting.
Mindful of the idea of prevention, Dan and his parents came in
for a counseling session. I acknowledged Dan's resistance to the
medicine and asked him what he thought could work. Dan asked
to take the medicine at 7:20 am instead of 7:00 am. His parents
agreed, and the power struggle was over.
2. Give notice of time and transitions.
Give notice of time frames and time remaining before carrying out
plans or actions. Many children react badly when interrupted and
told to get their coats and shoes on. A five-minute warning works
wonders. I have had some parents even use a kitchen timer, which
becomes the reminder of when to get ready. If you take your child
with you on errands or to some kind of meeting, tell him ahead
of time how long it will take and when he can expect to leave. Try
to prepare your child for any changes in routine. Defiant children
tend to be inflexible. When possible, give your child advance notice
of changes in plans and activities.
3. Watch what you model.
Remember that as the parent you are always teaching your child,
for better or for worse. If you scream, throw a saucepan, or put
your fist through a door, you are teaching your kids to be what you
don't want them to become. In this spirit keep these in mind:
• Give respect so that you are more likely to get respect.
• Show flexibility and you will be more likely to receive it.
• Be a good listener.
• Discuss ways to solve problems without fighting.
• Inspire your child by the quality of your character.
• Stay calm, firm, and non controlling in expressing yourself.
4. Be consistent in your boundaries.
I am honored to have a photo in my office of me with B. F. Skinner
at a psychology convention many years ago. I was an undergraduate
student majoring in psychology, I was thrilled that this famous
psychologist took the time to answer a few of my questions after
his seminar. Dr. Skinner's theories on reinforcement suggest that
we need to be consistent in setting boundaries with our children.
Saying "No, no, well maybe in a minute . . . okay just this time"
will give your child a very different expectation than if you say
no and stick to your guns. Think about it. If you are playing a
slot machine in Las Vegas, are you more likely to keep playing if
you consistently don't win? Yet, when you don't know if you'll get
what you want because you get it randomly, you'll keep pulling
that lever. Your children are the same way.
