Love: an Alien Experience to a Criminal

This blog is not the place to define love. However, if one agrees that a love relationship has the following qualities, it is accurate to say that the criminal has no concept of what love is.

*A give and take relationship (reciprocity), often giving more than receiving;
*Putting oneself in the place of the other person;
*Being trustworthy and able to trust others;
*Loyalty

One should not be fooled by a criminal's use of the word "love." More often than not, that word enters his vocabulary to refer either to sex or to sentiment toward another person. Many an offender has told me how much he loves his mother—the person who has always been there for him no matter what he has done. Yet when this beloved individual opposes him, attempts to restrict him, or stands up to him, she becomes a target of his rage. She is to behave in line with his objectives. Otherwise, he will turn on her and she can become his victim. This is not love!

The criminal is self-centered. He does not put himself in the place of others. Therefore, he does not think about what his partner, parent, child, or friend is experiencing. Because of his secrecy, his one-sided view of situations, and his personal narcissicism, he is inherently untrustworthy. He is a taker, not a giver. He "loves" someone as long as that person is his personal pawn, subject to his control.

Criminals may appear loving and generous. But their motives are self-serving. In a flash, they can change from showing great sentimentality to dishing out emotional or physical abuse. As one man said, "I can change from tears to ice and back again."

The individual who counsels offenders needs to understand that thinking patterns must change for a criminal to engage in what is truly a loving relationship. And a person involved emotionally with a criminal must trust his or her instincts when that relationship is one-sided and seek an exit.