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The story about a Tennessee mother who sent her 7-year-old son alone on an airplane back to Russia, with a note that said: "After giving my best to this child, I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child" raises so many mind-boggling questions—not only about adoption but about parenthood itself.
According to The New York Times, "The boy's plight prompted the Russian government to say on Friday that it would suspend all adoptions of Russian children by Americans until safeguards could be put in place."
According to the AP, "Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called the actions by the grandmother [who saw the boy off] "the last straw" in a string of U.S. adoptions gone wrong, including three in which Russian children had died in the U.S."
There are questions that remain for me troublingly unanswered, and seemingly unaddressed: When did the problems really begin? Was help ever sought by the parent? What caused such a drastic escalation in problems? Was information withheld from the family about the child's needs? Was there too much of a hurry to place this child? In other words, what is the real story behind this tragic and confusing turn of events—beyond the media frenzy, beyond the comments, beyond our disbelief that this could happen?
What questions should we be asking about this tragic case? What can we take away from this and remember about family, adoption and ourselves?
Dr. Samuel Roll, Professor Emeritus of University of New Mexico Department of Psychology whose clinical work, research, and training includes adoption and cross-cultural adoption responded to my questions philosophically, clinically and practically.
"We, human beings, are made to love people and use things. The core perversion is to love things and use people," he said.
And this means? Dr. Roll explains:
"In each case of relinquishment and each parallel case of adoption the core question is how can we ensure that we are not using the mother who gives up a child, the child who is available for adoption, and the parents who adopt the child? Often, a child placed for adoption is used to fulfill the fantasy of the mother and that of the adoptive parents. All fantasies, of necessity, contrast with reality, and accommodations of the fantasy to reality must be made. In some cases the child is sacrificed because the child does not fit the fantasy. In some cases the adoptive parents are sacrificed because there is not enough planning or support. In most cases there is a beautiful tango where the essence of the adoptive fantasies are met for all the parties, even if the details are not pretty, and the trajectory is not smooth.
"It is not possible that every adoption can work. It is our collective responsibility, as citizens, as professionals, as parents, to ensure that fewer adoptions end in new escalations of loss, abandonment, and despair."
Dr. Mary Wiley, who is a licensed psychologist in Altoona, PA, current co-chair of the Adoption Research and Practice Special Interest Group in the American Psychological Association, and who specializes in adoption issues and is herself an adoptee, echoes these thoughts. We should be asking, she says:
• Is a couple or individual truly ready to handle a child? A child with a difficult history? Too often "home studies" are rushed through and the truly difficult assessments are never made by the social worker doing the Home Study...or by the agency handling the adoption...or by the parent(s) involved.
• What is the child truly capable of—both positive and negative? International and domestic child welfare agencies often see adoption as a solution to problems, rather than as a difficult process for any child to undergo.
• What processes do American adoption agencies (and their international agency partners/contacts) have for families and children when things get difficult? The answer is too often: "Nothing." Agencies should have intervention and treatment options for families and children...and should have established procedures for times when an adoption disrupts (other than sending a child back to the home country with no plans at all).
So what is the takeaway message from all this? There are many. "Adoption is often a difficult process for both child and parents to manage, as is attachment [what we often think of as bonding]. Agencies are often well meaning, but frequently overlook the genuinely difficult questions that should be faced by all parties," she says, adding, finally, the sentiment held by the masses: "Children are not commodities that are purchased and returned."
It will take time and patience to understand what happened.
Photo credit: Alan Guido
