Verified by 
Key points
- Clinical exploration of sexuality has washed away much ignorance, but heightened focus on sexual technique cuts off many couples from intimacy.
- Caught up in the mechanics of satisfying their partner, couples lose sight of the most basic aspect of sexuality: expression of feelings.
- The best way to approach sexuality is not as a performance, but as part of a love expression that doesn’t require a performance.
Of the many forms of intimacy—a smile across the room, a shared hardship, a family ritual, a kiss, a touch—sex is probably fraught with more confusion, unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding, and disillusionment than any other.
The Promise
Sex promises emotional fulfillment, security, reassurance, and intimacy, even if it often fails to deliver. For both men and women, the pressure to perform sexually adds a burdensome demand to their bond. An emphasis on technique overlooks the fact that it is not about how you do it, but how you feel about who you are doing it with.
Beyond Sex Ed 101
Clinical exploration of sex and sexuality has vastly improved our sexual climate and washed away much ignorance and rigidity. But the concentration on sexual techniques and gimmicks, a vestige of the sexual revolution, cut off many couples from true intimacy. Caught up in the mechanics and methods of satisfying their partner, they lose sight of the most basic aspect of sexuality: the expression of feelings. A case in point involves the experiences of Joan and Martin, both of whom have had their share of disappointing relationships.
Joan’s Experience…
“The man in my last relationship never expressed any appreciation for me and rarely even kissed me. It was sex and no closeness. A few months of the same unaffectionate routine contaminated our sex life. Sex became a weapon in a power struggle. If I couldn’t get him to respond to me as a person, to be tender and loving, I wasn’t going to respond to him physically and emotionally. I started withholding sex or giving it and going through the motions in a perfunctory manner.
Joan continues…
“I was saying directly and through sex: ‘I want our relationship to be better—warmer, more feeling-oriented, less mechanical.’ That either threatened him or he misunderstood because he became very rigid and countered with, ‘You’re frigid; you have sexual hang-ups.’ That was his favorite line. In my view, our sexual problems were really relationship problems that expressed themselves sexually. I think sex enjoyment is increased by how we act toward each other in all aspects of our lives together. Sex is part of the relationship; I don’t see it as a separate entity.”
Martin has his say…
“I agree with Joan. I feel sex is an integral part of a relationship. That’s what makes it so gratifying. When Joan and I first became physically involved, I went through a few months of fear about how good she would think my performance was and how I compared to her other lovers. I was particularly plagued by imagined comparisons to her former partner: ‘Was she matching our abilities as lovers? Did I measure up to him in that regard?'
Martin continues…
“I also came into the situation with a backlog of negative reactions from my last relationship. Maybe in some relationships, the sex stays good even if the relationship doesn’t. Not in mine. Sex became terrible, and we both traded barbs in that area. So sex with Joan—an important person in my life—was tense. I was giving myself a hard time from several quarters.”
The Turning Point for Martin
“One night something interesting happened that has had a very positive effect. Joan was feeling sexier than I was, and she came on to me. I had a particularly grueling day and I wasn’t really in the mood for sex, but she snuggled up to me and I felt compelled to respond. Things didn’t go too well, though. I couldn’t get aroused; I wasn’t able to get an erection. So I said to Joan, ‘I’m sorry.’
Joan’s Response…
“Joan looked at me with love and tenderness and said, ‘Don’t be sorry. You don’t have to prove anything to me. I love you next to me, holding me, talking to me. You can touch me, kiss me. I love it! Our relationship is not going to be judged by erections! What I really want from you is that you are with me, that I feel the connection with you. That’s what is important.' "
Happy Ending
“From that time on my performance fears disappeared. Joan was right. Two people who basically love each other, who express good feelings toward each other, don’t need to prove through sex that they’re valuable people. All they have to do is relax, be real and enjoy each other.”
The Sex/Intimacy Puzzle
While there’s no ready formula for connecting sexually, being able to “relax, be real and enjoy each other,” as Martin put it, certainly helps. Some couples avoid this because they have no desire to be more intimate; they are smoldering with resentment, locked in wars of mutual withholding—in short, they like making sex unpleasant for their partner!
Dysfunction Is Optional
Others are unwilling to tolerate the discomfort of moving closer, no matter what the benefits. And still others are “emotionally divorced,” staying with each other only for financial and social reasons. Then, of course, there are those who approach sexuality not as a performance, but as part of a love expression that doesn’t require a performance. That’s the group to emulate!
