Sex: From Desire to Doing

The evening is over. You've walked your date home. You gaze into each other's eyes, smile, and wonder whether now's the time to lean in for a kiss. Pay attention! Who makes the first move speaks loudly about social expectations and ongoing relationship satisfaction for both partners.

Men usually take the reins in initiating sexual contact. But that doesn't mean they—or their partners—prefer the status quo. A study by Shari Dworkin, a medical sociologist at the University of California, San Francisco, found that 72 percent of college-age men want to share the "labor" of getting things started. (They also long to be seen more as the object of their partner's desire than as the primary pursuer.)

Studies in earlier decades found that both women in same-sex partnerships were equally convinced that they were refusing sex more frequently, while both partners in gay male relationships considered themselves the primary initiator—dynamics that may partially explain the higher rates of sexual activity in relationships between two men versus two women. Today, women report less inhibition and more confidence in their ability to successfully kickstart beneath-the-sheets behavior, reports sexuality researcher Deanne Simms of the University of New Brunswick, Canada. But they still don't initiate as often as men. Fears of being labeled a "slut" may partially explain their hesitation.

Women don't particularly value traditional sexual roles, Simms notes. But "they may have less opportunity to initiate because their partners do it first." In other words, men swoop in sooner under pressure from friends, family, and a culture that portrays them as should-be initiators. (Their higher rates of testosterone also play a role.)

As relationships progress, gender divisions in behavior may diminish, found a study by University of New Brunswick psychologist Sarah Vannier. "Contrary to what traditional sexual scripts predict," says Vannier, "both men and women in a couple were equally interested if their partner initiated."

Plus, as research repeatedly shows, the more frequently either partner initiates, the more pleased they both tend to be with each other.

So whether you're dating someone new or knee-deep in long-term love, it might not hurt to switch up the dynamic. Research suggests your partner will thank you.

Your Move?

• 72 percent of college-age men admit they wish their female partners would initiate sex more frequently.

• Females aged 18 to 24 make the first move in 25 percent of relationships.

• 73 percent of men would accept the offer of sex from an attractive female stranger if she made the first move.

• 40 percent of women would accept the offer of sex from an attractive male stranger if he made the first move.