The Ritual of Setting Goals Together

Goals.

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We love to talk about goals in the new year and I think it’s a great time for reflection. I like the ritual of looking at my goals for the year and then having a monthly check-in to review the things I want to change or add. As a couples therapist, I know that the value of rituals of connection can be immense. According to John Gottman’s research, couples that maintain rituals that focus on building their connection have more relationship satisfaction and are less likely to split up. Starting a ritual in which you create and evaluate shared goals for your relationship can be a great way to stay on track. Still looking at it through Gottman’s research, it is also a great way to engage in bids for connection (attempts at positive connection) via a relationship meeting to go over what's going well and what you’d like to work on.

Another researched-backed approach to couples therapy is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Setting joint goals together and improving connections are pillars of this theory. Attachment bond is a main focus of the therapy, involving couples creating rituals to increase positive interactions. It also finds long-term relationship goals helpful in maintaining changes. Johnson's most recent study (2020) found that these goals were helpful across diverse populations and with many different relationship challenges. The study also showed significant improvements in relationship satisfaction.

One last piece of research to look at is Wellness Theory; although it's not specifically aimed toward couples, it focuses on personal wellness goals and check-ins. Wellness theory focuses on different areas of wellness: physical, mental, relationship, career, and spiritual. You create a wellness plan in which you evaluate each of these areas and set goals based on balance. I think this can be done as a couple by focusing on joint goals for areas that apply. Choi (2020) found that those who set social connection goals reported higher rates of well-being than those who didn’t. That research found that goals based on deepening relationships were particularly impactful on well-being—which makes sense.

A new relationship ritual

Talk to your partner about setting goals together and take these tips into consideration:

• Decide how often you want to set and reflect on goals (yearly, monthly, weekly).
• Set aside some time without distractions to set your goals together.
• Try to be as specific as possible.
• Ask yourselves if the goals are realistic given what else you have going on.
• Create some fun goals for connecting like an anniversary trip or date nights.
• Build goals based on things you already like to do.

Some goal ideas for inspiration:

• If you both enjoy reading, you could do a relationship “book club” together.
• For foodies, set a goal to try new recipes or a new restaurant each month.
• Agree to take time-outs during conflict when you get overwhelmed.
• Set time aside to practice expressing your feelings and validating each other.
• Find a way to exercise together for better health and a stronger connection.
• Take a class together to experience learning something new.
• Set a goal for sharing appreciation with each other to build positivity in your relationship.
• Practice being better listeners together.

Making goals together shows that you make each other a priority and the ritual of setting them can be as impactful as the actual goals themselves. If you find you need a little help a great goal can be to start couples counseling together this year.