An Aspect of Grief We Don't Often Talk About

Most people I know can name Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief (Kübler-Ross and Kessler, 2005): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The unraveling of these phases proved monumental in the lives of grieving individuals and families. Yet, not everyone walks these stages in order; rather, from day to day, we may feel more or less comfortable. It's complex.

One angle of loss that's not so often discussed is the thoughts: the regrets, rumination, and mental spinning that can come about after loss. After bereavement, we may twirl over any number of aspects of the loss—memories, fears, loss of opportunities. These can even follow us into our dreams.

Research has shown that this rumination is not always unhealthy. A study of 242 adults who had lost a family member found that rumination about emotional reactions and reflections predicted healing, whereas rumination on injustice predicted complicated grief (Eisma et al., 2015). Regrets and a sense of unfinished business, such as conversations and reconciliations that never happened, are also associated with complicated grief (Holland et al., 2020).

While individuals may share specific memories, these thoughts and blame are more likely to be kept to one's self. Sharing and relating with those close to us is immensely helpful to healing. I have found that there has been a wave of healing when I have been able to speak what feels unspeakable.

Yet, grief is tricky. The last step in Kübler-Ross' stages of grief is acceptance. How do you accept the loss of someone you love? A common belief approached in grief therapy is that by accepting the loss, we are letting go of hope for our loved one, moving on, or somehow betraying them. How do we heal while still remembering?

I have found there are some things we are not OK with and never could be OK with. There are things we can do nothing about. It makes perfect sense to spin those things over and over, to try to make sense of it all. Others may say to try to move on and let go, but this misses something key; even if it gets you nowhere, spinning it over and over is all you can do

Yet, at some point, probably with tears, you might put the thread down and keep walking. Not because you don't care anymore, and not because you've forgotten—or "let it go"—because you can't. But because this is what is, and nothing you can do could change it. Instead, you seek meaning, connection, healing, and remembering. Not all at once, often over and over again. That is acceptance.