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Relationships
3 Surprising Signs That You’re Emotionally Unavailable
These signs are often overlooked and may surprise you.
Updated May 17, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Emotionally unavailable behaviors can manifest in a variety of ways.
- The tendency to focus all of your energy on someone else can build resentment.
- When you are not in touch with your own needs, it is difficult to be emotionally available with others.
Emotionally unavailable behaviors refer to a pattern of behavior that inhibits true intimacy or the deepening of a relationship. When most people think of an emotionally unavailable partner, they typically think of someone who shuts down or deflects when emotions are being discussed, avoids difficult conversations, has difficulty being vulnerable, or pushes others away as soon as they start becoming too close. While these behaviors certainly can be signs of someone who is emotionally unavailable, emotionally unavailable behaviors can manifest in a variety of ways.
Following are some signs that are often overlooked which may indicate that you are emotionally unavailable:
1. You often end up in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners.
An often overlooked reason for why someone may be repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners is that some part of them is also unavailable. Those who may lean more toward an anxious attachment style tend to seek a high degree of intimacy and closeness in their relationships. They are highly attuned to their partner’s behavior and level of attention, so once they are attached they may find themselves locked into a distancer-pursuer dynamic.
The pursuer-distancer dynamic is typically enacted when one partner acts as the pursuer (often the person striving for closeness and wanting to relieve their anxiety about the relationship) and the other acts as the distancer (often the person who needs space and time to process things on their own, otherwise they feel pressured).
While the distancer in this relationship dynamic is often viewed as emotionally unavailable, those who frequently adopt the pursuer role in their relationships deserve a closer look. The pursuer in this dynamic often feels frustrated and assumes their partner is emotionally unavailable and while that may be true, they themselves may also have emotionally unavailable traits that they’re unaware of.
Whether one is acting as the pursuer or distancer in this relationship dynamic, these roles are often two different sides of the same coin since emotional unavailability can manifest differently for each person.
If you often find yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners and frequently feel as if you are chasing your partner or that your emotional needs aren’t being met, there is likely some part of you that is repeatedly choosing this dynamic and on some level you may believe that love isn’t real unless you have to fight for it or beg to have your needs met.
If this is the case for you, you may be adopting the pursuer role in your relationships due to a fear of abandonment and consequently may not be able to be fully emotionally present in your relationship. In fact, if someone emotionally available and consistent pursued you, you may assume there is no chemistry or feel bored with the relationship. This is likely a sign that on some level you may also be emotionally unavailable, most of all to yourself.
2. You focus all of your energy on your partner at the expense of yourself.
The tendency to focus all of your energy on someone else can build resentment and erode your sense of self over time. Investing all of your energy and focus into another person may be helping to distract you from a deeper wound within. For example, if you have an underlying belief that people always leave or that you’re unlovable, you may feel a strong desire to exclusively focus on your partner and not on your relationship with yourself, no matter what it costs you.
This pattern of behavior can make it difficult for you to be emotionally present with yourself and often has the opposite effect of what you desire, since it can inadvertently push the other person away instead of bringing them closer.
Instead of focusing all of your energy on someone else and why they are acting a certain way, consider asking yourself the following questions:
- What purpose is this dynamic serving me and why am I choosing to participate in it time and time again?
- What inner wound is this dynamic distracting me from that needs further reflection?
- What comfort does it bring me to take on the pursuer role in my relationships and to constantly yearn to be chosen but never quite feel like I can get there?
3. You have difficulty asserting your needs and often minimize your own feelings.
If you often find yourself pursuing relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you may struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.
Anxiously attached partners may have a difficult time asserting their needs and establishing healthy boundaries. They often prioritize their partner’s needs and suppress their own. They may say yes to things they are uncomfortable with in order to ensure that a relationship doesn’t end and to earn approval or validation from their partner.
Emotional unavailability can also result from a lack of being in tune with your own emotions. You may be so focused on getting your partner to change or open up that it’s distracting you from addressing and processing your own emotions. When you are not in touch with your own needs and feelings, it is difficult to be present and emotionally available with yourself, much less another person. If something about your relationship is upsetting you and you’re purposely hiding it or minimizing it so your partner doesn’t leave you, you are slowly but surely building a wall that will eventually get so tall your partner won’t be able to climb it.
Over time, this behavior can lead to feelings of resentment and create a barrier to emotional intimacy. Without authenticity and vulnerability, the relationship will stagnate and won’t be sustainable. If you are unable to be honest with yourself about your needs and feelings, how can you build emotional intimacy with another?
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with questions regarding your condition or well-being.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
