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Key points
- Many factors influence how we pursue marriage, and many good approaches exist.
- "Bridgerton" promotes finding a "love match" as the best way to pick a spouse.
- What matters most is an individual's personal circumstances and goals.
Spoiler Alert: This post will discuss plot points from the first four episodes of Season 3 of Bridgerton. If you haven't seen them, you may want to watch it first and read this after.
Netflix’s hit Bridgerton is back for its third season. The series, based on the novels by Julia Quinn, follows high society’s courtship season, focusing in particular on the Bridgerton family. We’ve seen various Bridgerton children happily married in “love matches,” and this season turns to the third-eldest, Colin (Luke Newton), and his friendship with Penelope Featherington (Nicola Coughlin), a close family friend and neighbor. Of course, there are many other storylines, but Colin and Penelope are the couple to root for. We have four episodes left (which will be released on June 13), and the anticipation of their happy ending is palpable.
There are two ways the “mamas” approach their children to secure marriages. One is by finding a love match, holding out until you find a partner with whom you feel deep love and connection. This is Lady Violet Bridgerton’s (Ruth Gemmell) recommendation. Then there’s the more common approach that Lady Portia Featherington (Polly Walker) ascribes to, which is securing a good enough partner with money, status, and an interest in proposing.
The Love Match Approach
The eight Bridgerton children were raised by parents who were a love match and thus have set that as the standard for their marriages. This is a beautiful and attainable goal, as finding a partner with whom there is immediate chemistry, an undeniable spark of attraction and affection, is a wonderful thing.
However, in that search, the Bridgertons sometimes pass over wonderful possible partners whom they could love and share a fantastic life with. This is the risk of choosing the love match route: You might miss out on great people in the process, and it’s a gamble that someone better will come along. But if you're successful, you'll get to experience deep love and attraction for the person you marry. And who wouldn't want that type of emotional and physical connection?
The “Good Enough” Approach
Most mothers in this show encourage the “good enough” approach. They’re eager for their children to be wed and produce heirs, and arranging expedient marriages is prized. Children are encouraged to secure a proposal in their first season out lest they become old news and increasingly less novel or desirable as their years progress. With only a few months to compete and catch someone’s eye, settling for the first good enough option seems wise. Plus, marrying the first acceptable person reduces the risk of ending up with a horrible arrangement made out of desperation.
This approach prevents people from making the mistake of thinking the grass is always greener. Some, in pursuit of their one true love match, turn down wonderful people not because they aren’t a good fit but because they think there might be someone better. This is the risk of believing there is one soulmate out there: You could search for that person forever and end up alone as a result.
Importantly, this approach still gives the couple a chance at love. Although we often feel love has to come first and a stable relationship develops later, the research on arranged marriages proves otherwise. Choosing a good life partner and creating stability first does not preclude developing genuine feelings of love.
Bridgerton Is All About Love Matches
Our protagonists, the Bridgerton children, follow their mother’s advice, and their success makes seeking a love match seem like the better approach. Every time a Bridgerton child decides to be "sensible" and marry someone who meets all the necessary criteria but without feeling love, they inevitably find their perfect match. But, while it’s easy to idealize the Bridgerton approach of searching for love above all else, we must remember that they are lucky: They are wealthy, have solid reputations, and are often deemed amiong the most desirable by the queen.
Case in point: Daphne. In Season 1, Daphne Bridgerton (Phoebe Dynevor) turned down the lovely Prince Friedrich (Freddie Stroma), who seemed to have no flaws—except not being Duke Bassett (Rege-Jean Page). She had a love match at her fingertips and went through a lot of emotional turmoil to attain it. However, she was the season's "diamond," with a generous dowry and a flawless reputation (for most of the season, anyway). Finding a love match was her primary goal, and she could afford to take her time, which she did, turning down many proposals along the way to marrying the duke.
Which Is the Best Approach?
Lady Featherington combines these two schools of thought when, upon realizing Penelope is unsure of accepting Lord Debling’s (Sam Phillips) imminent proposal because she is waiting for love, she tells her daughter, “You know what’s romantic? Security.” This comment challenges us to look at love through a different lens.
Is she right? Should we take our first good option and not hold out for a bona fide “love match?” Or should we refuse to settle and search for the right person? There is undeniable value in finding a partner whom you love and feel passionately about, but those initial feelings of lust do not sustain a relationship. The honeymoon phase is fantastic but fleeting. So does this mean you should look solely for security and stability, then? And hope that love blossoms after?
Daphne could have been happy with either option: "settling" for a suitor, including the prince, or marrying for love. She and the prince shared important values, like wanting family, and were well-matched in many ways. They might not have had the same intensity of immediate connection, but that could have grown over time. Did she do the right thing, turning him down for the duke? Would marrying the prince and saving herself from the possibility of a childless marriage full of emotional distance and resentment have been better? Each path had pros and cons, and she had to choose.
Ultimately, neither approach is best; it just depends on the goal. For the Bridgerton women seeking financial security and some more freedom, marrying earlier makes sense. For those in a position of greater privilege who can afford to take their time and want a deep connection with their spouse, waiting to find the right person makes more sense. The same is true in the real world: We need to consider our relationship goals, our emotional, financial, and other needs, and our timeline. There is no "right" way to pick a spouse and build a marriage. There is only the right way for you.
