5 Proven Strategies for Reconnecting With Your Adult Child

I was recently contacted by Denise about her "distant and challenging" adult son Michael. (Names changed to protect confidentiality.) She wanted me to coach her to bridge the gap with Michael. The rest of Denise's story comprises the final part of this post.

Lingering Emotional Scars

Adult children like Michael may distance themselves from their parents such as Denise due to lingering emotionally painful scars from their upbringing. This leaves parents feeling rejected by the ones they cherish most—their children. This cycle of hurt breeds anger, grief, and despair on both sides, a universal struggle transcending geographical boundaries.

Strategies to Reconnect With Your Adult Child

Reconnecting with disconnected adult children requires leading with validation. Please, before you roll your eyes, understand that validating does not have to mean agreeing. Drawing from over three decades of coaching experience, along with researching for my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I've found that neither parents nor adult children complain too much about feeling understood.

Rather, this is a vital ingredient for healing fractured relationships. Let's now take a look at five powerful ways you can close the gap and reconnect with your adult child.

1. Validate instead of agitate

Validation from parents can provide crucial emotional support and affirmation, which is especially important during conflicts. It assures the adult child that their feelings and experiences are acknowledged and valued within the parent-child relationship, fostering a sense of connection and understanding.

Without validation, unresolved conflicts may persist, hindering the growth of the parent-child bond and potentially impacting the adult child's emotional well-being. Validating keeps you from slipping into bulldozer mode whereby you keep insisting on closed-off ears, "I did not mean it that way."

2. Reflect (for real) on your behavior

By examining their actions, parents gain insight into the impact of their behavior on their adult child, facilitating a deeper understanding and connection. This introspection enhances communication and trust within the relationship. Ultimately, acknowledging and addressing past behaviors fosters a healthier and more fulfilling bond between parent and adult child.

3. Lower your emotional reactivity

Adopting a calm, firm, and non-controlling stance fosters constructive dialogue, steering clear of heightened emotions. This will help you bypass fruitless emotional power struggles going forward.

4. Offer sincere apologies

Apologize genuinely for any wrongdoings, demonstrating remorse and a commitment to change. Remember, a heartfelt apology means making changes, not just talking the talk.

5. Be consistent in your effort

Rebuilding trust demands patience, consistency, and a genuine display of love and support. We are all human, but to the best extent you can, be mindful of what you say and how you say it.

An Inspiring Story of a Mother's Reconnection With Her Adult Son

Denise, mentioned earlier in this post, embarked on a journey of introspection and validation. Rather than succumbing to defensiveness, she resolved to lower her emotional reactivity, anchoring herself in calmness and understanding.

Reflecting on her past actions, Denise faced the uncomfortable truth of her shortcomings. She recognized instances where her words had caused unintended wounds, and with humility, she texted Michael, expressing sincere apologies and a genuine desire for reconciliation.

Depending on the parent coaching situation, at times I meet with the adult children. Denise and I agreed it would be valuable for her to offer Michael to provide me with his perspective on their conflict.

So, I first provided Denise with some individual coaching sessions. Then I met with Michael for a session. Subsequently, I had three joint sessions with both of them. I made it clear that I am not an assigner of blame but rather a facilitator of calm, constructive, and healing conversations.

I was pleased that Denise knew that rebuilding trust required more than words; it demanded consistent effort and a steadfast commitment to change. When I met with Michael, I expressed that I appreciated his openness and willingness to consider a meaningful reconnection with his mom.

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With each passing day, Denise practiced validating Michael's feelings, acknowledging the hurt he harbored without imposing her judgments or solutions. She put his offensive behaviors in the context of what he was—an adult son who was hurting.

As weeks turned into months, Denise's perseverance bore fruit. Michael, softened by his mother's unwavering empathy and humility, began to open up, tentatively at first, then with increasing trust. Their conversations were no longer marred by tension and misunderstanding but filled with honesty and understanding.

Final Reflections

Regardless of your child's age, embracing humility and a willingness to learn from past missteps lays the groundwork for repairing fractured relationships. Should challenges persist, don't hesitate to seek professional assistance to navigate these complexities and foster deeper connections with your adult child.

©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.