How to End a Mentoring Relationship

The word END written in chalk

Source: Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

It’s that time of year in academic schedules when lots of things are coming to a close. The end of classes, the end of the semester, and the end, for some, of their college experience. Even if you aren’t a student or someone who works in education, you might also find yourself ready to close out a mentoring relationship, whether that relationship is formal or informal. How do you do that effectively?

When done well, mentoring relationships are entered into with intention. They are built upon defined goals, clear expectations, and regular and consistent conversations to support forward progress. And at some point, the relationship runs its course. The goals are met. The work has been accomplished. It’s time to part ways. You should do so with as much intention as you entered the relationship with in the first place.

In the best scenario, the end is a positive and normal part of any mentoring relationship. But sometimes the relationship needs to end for less than positive reasons. Sometimes mentors take an outsized role in their mentee’s life, exerting far too much influence and control over career and life decisions. The relationship can become unhealthy, or maybe was not desired in the first place.

In these situations, it can be challenging, but no less important, to bring the relationship to intentional closure. Just because someone wants to be present in your life, doesn’t mean you have to let them be there. Changing the relationship will involve setting and holding boundaries, communicating expectations, and clarifying how the relationship will (or won’t) progress moving forward.

Why Endings Matter

As Kram originally described and others have built upon, there are typically four distinct stages to any mentoring relationship: initiation, cultivation, separation, and redefinition (Kram, 1983; Chao, 1997). The end to a mentoring relationship deserves attention because it is a pivotal point in the re-formation of that relationship.

During initiation, the relationship begins, and mentoring partners establish expectations, goals, and set the direction for the relationship. During cultivation, the bulk of the work takes place, with mentoring partners coming together with consistency to discuss progress, challenges, key learning moments, and next steps. In separation, the relationship begins to shift as goals are achieved or mentoring partners mutually acknowledge that the relationship has run its course. And in redefinition, mentoring partners close out the relationship as it currently exists, either shifting to a new relationship or ending it entirely.

Most people don’t enter into relationships thinking about how they will end. In mentoring, the excitement comes from getting to know a new person, working towards and achieving goals, and building a relationship together. But when you allow a mentoring relationship to fizzle out or worse, abruptly end, you do a disservice to both the work and the relationship. An ending is another opportunity for learning and reflection. An ending is an opportunity for celebration. Perhaps most importantly, an ending, when done well, is an opportunity to strengthen a relationship.

Tips for Successful Endings

Whether you are part of a formal mentoring program, or engaged in a more informal mentoring relationship, here are some topics of conversation to effectively close out your relationship:

• What else do you need to talk about/work on together before wrapping up?
• Where are you on the original goals you and your mentoring partner identified? Did you achieve them or is there more work to do after the end of this relationship? Do you need to set a new goal and redefine the relationship?
• How would you each assess the "success" of this relationship? What have you learned about yourself and from the other person? What feedback can you give to each other?
• What will be the status of your relationship moving forward?

If your relationship has turned into something toxic or just a relationship you don’t want to be a part of anymore, here are some tips on how to have a closure conversation:

• Before you have the conversation, get clear with yourself about your goals. Write down what you would like the end result of the conversation to be.
• Schedule a time for a formal conversation, and if possible, provide the details so that you aren’t blindsiding the other person. Remember that your perception of the relationship may not be the same as theirs.
• Be respectful and firm with your boundaries. If you are able to identify a few ways the relationship has benefited you, that’s great to acknowledge. But you don’t have to do so. Remember your goals and stick to them.
• If needed, ask another person to join you as a witness to the conversation. Take some notes on what you have agreed to and send those notes to everyone who was present as a follow-up.

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Beginnings are important. Beginnings set the tone for the rest of the relationship, establishing expectations and agreements for how you will interact and stay accountable to the relationship and each other. Endings are no less important. This is the time to set expectations for how you will interact moving forward. Endings are opportunities for deep learning and growth. No matter why the ending is happening, don’t let that moment pass you by.