Overcoming the Tyranny of Should

Source: Courtesy of Moshe Ratson

We all want to meet our expectations. We want the world to match our needs and desires; we want a place where all things turn out the way we wish.

But when the demand for order and certainty becomes absolute, we end up suffering instead of achieving the peace of mind we were hoping for.

What is the solution? How do we free ourselves from the tyranny of “should.” If “shoulds” run your life, this might help.

Focus on Understanding and Accepting Reality

Byron Katie writes, “I realized that it’s insane to oppose [anything in life]. When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100 percent of the time.” When we understand the true nature of reality, disappointments, frustrations, and anger are minimized.

The world is what it is. To accept what is happening inside us (our body sensations, feelings, and thoughts), as well as what is happening around us is to have a peaceful mind. We cannot deny reality and expect it to go away.

Saying that it “should” be different does not make it so. We have to be practical and realistic; otherwise, we create further suffering for others—and especially for ourselves. It is up to us to reevaluate our “shoulds” and expectations and make the necessary adjustments to align them with reality.

Explore your belief system. Examine your expectations of yourself and others. Notice your thoughts about what your partner, friends, or coworkers “should” be doing. Become aware of that parallel universe of expectations within you.

Question whether those thoughts are realistic. Challenge your “shoulds” by asking, “Is this true?” and “Who says that?” Put things in perspective. Very frequently “shoulds” are out of proportion and not serious enough to be treated with such conviction.

When you identify an unrealistic expectation, consider what would be a more realistic one. Expectations are standards you subjectively create in your mind—and, therefore, you can also change them. To let go of an unrealistic expectation, you must accept the challenge to do so and recognize that you must create a reasonable expectation as a replacement.

“Shoulds” are connected to unrealistic expectations. As such, aspire to catch your unrealistic expectations with curiosity, and approach them with humor and softness. You might say to yourself, That’s a funny one! or So interesting that I have this thought. Or you might simply observe.

Then focus on accepting your experience. Instead of telling yourself, I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking/doing X, say, Okay, I’m feeling/thinking/doing X. I would like to understand why this is happening now.

Remember that even if you have a realistic expectation, the outcome is simply probable; it’s not certain. Uncertainty is an unavoidable part of life and therefore you can never guarantee the future. You cannot argue with reality. You’d better accept what is.

Release Attachments

Your “shoulds” and expectations are very much connected to your attachments. The greater your expectation, the greater your attachment—and the greater your frustration, disappointment, and anger. As a human being, you cannot avoid having expectations, but you can choose to avoid becoming attached to them.

It helps to think of your expectations as a wish list, not a “must” list. Since expectations are standards we feel we must defend, we can release tension or anger by releasing as many expectations as possible.

Being mindful of your “should” and unrealistic expectations offers you a choice, the openness to explore alternative expectations, and/or mourn and let go of those that contribute to your disappointments and resentment. It takes courage, self-reflection, and self-awareness to cultivate and maintain more realistic expectations of yourself and others. Doing so creates a more meaningful life and more fulfilling relationships.

Gratitude and appreciation can serve as an antidote to unrealistic expectations, helping you experience serenity rather than resentment.

Focus on the Benefits of Your Actions

“Shoulds” are driven by the need for control, yet they can serve as barriers that prevent you from achieving or experiencing what you want. To overcome this, focus on the positive consequences of doing whatever it is you know you want to do.

Instead of acting like I should be doing X, ask yourself, Why do I want to do X? and What is the benefit of doing X? For instance, rather than thinking, You should exercise more, and remind yourself why you want to exercise more: I feel healthy and refreshed when I exercise a few times a week, or I enjoy being in the present moment and feeling like a kid when I play sports.

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Align Actions With Values

Focus on expectations and actions that are aligned with the values. You may ask yourself:

• Does this expectation help me be who I want to be?
• Does it help me go where I want to go?
• Is it in service of what I care about, such as building good relationships or meeting professional or academic goals?

If your expectations aren’t aligned with your values, gently acknowledge this. You can tell yourself something like This expectation doesn’t help me now. Yes, it can be hard to let go of expectations, if it feels like a loss, yet you must aspire to gradually release your grip. Strive for flexibility.

It can help to change your “shoulds” to “wishes” and “hopes.” This way, there is less attachment, and you are free to move beyond anger toward compassion, positivity, and solutions. “Should” often takes the form of moralizing, either to yourself or to others.

When you are moralizing, you are connecting with your anger, using it, and staying with it. However, when you are wishing and hoping, you are gently connecting with the sorrow underneath frustration, disappointment, and anger—and reaching your core self. You feel the pain that comes with your inability to fulfill your wish or the joy that comes with the ability to fulfill it.

When your decisions and actions are all built upon a conscious choice, you live life based on what is important to you; you live your life based on your values and who you aspire to be. You are driven by an intrinsic motivation that creates flow, ease, and positivity.

For example, instead of thinking, I should have been on time, look at the situation from the perspective of your values. You may tell yourself, It’s really important to me to be on time; I want to act with integrity. My word is my bond, and I will do my best to do what I say I will do. In making this shift, you have taken personal responsibility and cultivated a positive attitude and resiliency.

It is important to remember that removing the idea of “should” from your mind and the word should from your vocabulary will take time, patience, awareness, and practice, but it comes with great rewards. It will lead to a softer, more accepting relationship with yourself and better relationships with people and situations around you.