Guilty in the #MeToo Era

Recently, a woman I had been treating for posttraumatic stress disorder stemming from sexual abuse, perpetrated by a family friend when she was a young teen, shared her experience of how, as a young adult, she had disclosed the abuse, for the first time, to her mother.

Her mother had been dismissive, “this kind of thing happens to all of us, there is not much point in making a big deal about it.” Even though the abuse had occurred years earlier, the crushing impact of her mother’s dismissal had been devastating.

Unfortunately, as a psychiatrist, it is not uncommon for me to hear such accounts from sexual assault survivors. This is especially true when it comes to the issue of acquaintance rape, where the perpetrator is known to the victim. Acquaintance rape tests the allegiance of a victim’s family, friends, and co-workers in difficult ways. When those closest to you have a pre-existing relationship with your attacker this can influence the quality of support you might otherwise have counted on. This partially explains why most sexual assaults are never officially reported.

Not reporting does not mean the scars disappear. As a middle-aged woman, my patient was still caught up in the horror of her childhood assault which had lingered into her adult life. She was living a life embittered from the sexual trauma itself and the secondary injury that had accompanied her mother’s response. When it came to intimate relationships, in her present life, she was often caught up in a web of ambiguity and psychological isolation.

Last week, after a historic trial, Harvey Weinstein was convicted of two sex crimes. The victim testimony and accounts of Weinstein’s predatory behavior emphasize the need for a vital conversation between American parents and their children. An urgent need for dialogue about predators, abuse of power, acquaintance rape, and misplaced cultural notions of absolute obedience and respect toward authority figures.

The statistics alone underscore the need for such a conversation. One in 10 children will experience contact sexual abuse in the U.S. before age 18 and more than 50 percent of sex abuse survivors were sexually abused before the age of 12. In as many as 93 percent of child sexual abuse cases, the child knows the person that commits the abuse, and up to 90 percent of sexual assaults reported by college women fall into the category of acquaintance rape.

Many parents have no hesitation in warning their children about the dangers of strangers in dark alleys. What is often missing is warnings about the dangers that are often hidden in plain sight.

Parents need to tell their children that, unfortunately, sexual assault is very common. Any one of us, regardless of our gender, race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation, could be assaulted. Similarly, the perpetrator could also be anyone and, more than likely, it will be someone known to the victim.

The perpetrator might be someone who, your parents, have told you should be respected, someone with whom your behavior should be “good” or “obedient.” It might be a coach, teacher, healthcare professional, family friend, or relative.

The assault might happen when you are in elementary school, middle school, or high school. It could happen to you as a young adult, when you are out making your way in the world because predators’ prey on the vulnerability associated with youth. In fact, any relationship where the power differential is not in your favor is susceptible to being exploited by a sexual predator.

Because you will likely know the perpetrator because you might respect them, trust them, or even love them, an assault or act of harassment will stun and confuse you. You might find you “freeze” or do something you later regret. None of this is your fault. Creating such chaos is part of the abuser’s strategy—it helps them maintain control.

The same way we prepare our children with “in the event of” emergency plans, parents need to breakdown information about sexual assault for their children so they can recognize it as it is happening. They need to urge their child to no longer stay “obedient” or “good” when a previously revered or liked adult turns into a potential attacker or harasser. They need to convey to their child the importance of disclosing the abuse as quickly as possible so that, as a parent, they can do everything in their power to keep their child safe.

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Parents can even go one step further, encouraging their children to not be passive bystanders if they witness predatory behavior or rape-supportive attitudes, children can also be encouraged to be active allies of assault survivors who speak up.

Parents today are accustomed to having conversations with their growing children about the importance of eating healthy foods, taking regular exercise, recycling, and stopping the spread of infections and viruses. With older children, it is expected we talk to them about sex education, contraception, and consent. Our dialogues even spread to unsettling conversations about school shootings or natural disasters.

What stops us, then, from having this conversation? I would argue that much of our resistance comes from within.

First, the notion of our children experiencing sexual trauma represents the violation of all we hold to be dear and sacred. The prospect of such an occurrence is simply too terrible to utter aloud and hence becomes unspeakable. We humans are hardwired to deny unspeakable and unpalatable traumas, so having such conversations means overcoming that inner resistance.

Second, often our culture does not encourage these conversations, or we don’t have the language to articulate about it. If it was a taboo or scary topic for our parents to discuss with us, the same might be true for us when we become parents ourselves.

Finally, as was the case for my patient and her mother, too often underlying unsupportive comments and dismissals of disclosures of abuse is someone who themselves had their spirit destroyed by sexual trauma. Such vicious cycles speak to the endemic nature of sexual trauma and a need to break the cycles of secrecy and shame.

The rape trial of Harvey Weinstein is a wakeup up call for us all and presents an opportunity to collectively break the silence that has long shrouded sexual assault, starting in our own homes. Parents should feel empowered to have age-appropriate discussions with their children in the comfort of their living rooms and over family dinners because not making the most of this historical opportunity will come at a high cost for our future generations.