Verified by 
Caregiving
My Partner Had a Stroke
Advice from the spouse’s perspective.
Updated November 9, 2023 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Recognize that a stroke takes a profound toll on family members and caregivers, particularly spouses/partners.
- It is important to accept the fact you may not be able to control or address every situation.
- Consider professional help to learn strategies to communicate with the stroke survivor.
When someone experiences a stroke, their life changes in an instant. They may be left with physical and cognitive deficits and experience psychological challenges, including anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, and depression. The medical community is quick to acknowledge the months or even years of recovery required for the survivor to live his or her best life. But they may be less cognizant of the profound toll the stroke has on family members and caregivers, particularly spouses/partners.
The day of the stroke
For a partner, there are many mixed feelings and high emotions surrounding this day. Like the stroke survivor, the partner is not prepared. They may have rushed home from work and been shocked to find an ambulance in the driveway or discovered their loved one unconscious on the floor. Although they may feel relief when reaching the hospital, anxiety continues to build while their partner is assessed.
In Angie’s case, her spouse took charge, calling 911, ensuring Angie was placed in a safe position, caring for her while awaiting the ambulance, and enlisting other family members to direct EMS personnel into the home. On the way to the hospital, his thoughts turned to fear about whether she would survive and how he would tell family members. He attempted to best manage the situation, calling his work to say he would need a few days off and contacting the family to ensure someone stayed at their home while he remained with Angie in the hospital.
Rehab
During rehab, the partner’s fears and emotions constantly change. They can often tell how the daily physio or occupational therapy sessions went as soon as they walk into the room. If things went well, the mood of the visit is positive, but if the stroke survivor struggled with a task, they may be discouraged and wonder, “Why even try?”
It’s heartbreaking to watch a loved one struggle. The partner hopes there will be success and that, with time, things will improve. If the partner feels guilty about not being available due to work or homefront responsibilities, they may feel their partner deserves better. They end up being the cheerleader, pointing out small victories and supporting as much as they can. Although the partner may welcome this role, over time, it is still extremely exhausting and overwhelming trying to balance everything.
Extended family members may not be able to visit often; this may cause guilt and questions about how they can be supportive.
Effect on the family
Often, the partner becomes the mediator between other family members, such as children. Fear may cause teens or young adults to be reluctant to visit their parents in the hospital or rehab. Also, if other family members such as grandparents are enlisted to come into the home to keep the homefront running smoothly, children may feel abandoned by the parent who is always at the hospital or rehab facility.
Dealing with stroke survivor’s depression and negative self-image
The stroke survivor may put themselves down and say they are stupid or useless. As a family member, this is very difficult to watch. Partners may not fully understand this until it becomes serious.
For Angie’s husband, the toughest part was realizing that he was unable to help his wife and did not recognize the severity of the situation. Now he admits that maybe he was just too proud to say, “I don’t know how to handle this.”
As a partner or family member, it is important to accept the fact you may not be able to control or address every situation. There may come a time where you need professional help. Don’t be afraid to seek out help.
Trying to be everything to everyone
The partner’s role in mediating and supporting the family cannot be diminished. While trying to work, they also keep the house and finances running, address the needs of any children, deal with medical professionals, and support the stroke survivor during rehab and subsequent reintegration into the home upon discharge.
Communication techniques
A partner may consider professional help to discover strategies to communicate with the stroke survivor and learn how to best support them with any negative emotions. A psychologist can offer advice on how to defuse a situation without using comments or visual indications of frustration. By remaining calm and listening, the stroke survivor can express what they are experiencing and what they need from the partner in the situation.
Patience and understanding can help immensely. The stroke survivor does not always want the partner to fix things. Many times, they just need to vent. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. Listening is enough. Don’t take the stroke survivor’s frustration or anger personally, as they may not be upset with you but rather upset with their situation.
What is your advice for partners?
- Be patient and listen. There are going to be difficult moments. There will be times when they want to do things themselves, so welcome that.
- Hear the words they speak, yet be mindful of their body language and actions. A very valuable tool is to learn how to assess a situation and decide when it is best to let them resolve the task or challenge on their own versus immediately stepping in.
- Be as supportive as possible without making them feel incapable.
- Recognize this has affected both of you and work together as a team to learn how to adapt and cope with this new normal.
