How Can You Deal With a Coworker Who Undermines You?

Undermining is a very subtle and frequently overlooked form of bullying.

Unlike overt bullying or harassment, undermining is challenging to detect and pinpoint. In this post, we will discuss how to identify coworkers who undermine you at work and how to defend against their corrosive actions.

Signs that a coworker could be undermining you

• They're competitive and must beat everyone.
• Instead of working, they spread office rumours and discontent about the boss.
• They judge others morally.
• They act superior and give orders to seniors.
• They undermine you with "suggestions," "advice," "constructive feedback," or "backhanded compliments."
• Their body language shows contempt. In meetings, they appear unfocused or mocking.
• They interrupt others to make their point, whether or not it's helpful.
• They try to plant negative ideas in others' minds.
• You feel insignificant, jealous, insecure, and threatened in their presence.

Someone who consistently demeans others in a group is likely traumatized in some way. The concept of “identifying with the aggressor" may explain their bullying behavior. This is a coping mechanism that enables individuals to endure traumatic events. When individuals identify with the aggressor, they assume the aggressor's role and so they can view themselves as powerful and in charge. Your bullying colleague themselves may have been undermined, bullied, abused, or dominated in the past by a parent, sibling, or controlling and abusive partner. As a coping mechanism, they may have internalized the persona of the underminer and now utilize this internalized persona to gain power.

Recognize the hidden bullies

Some people are bullies without appearing to be, and your coworker who undermines you may fall into this category. They may appear friendly, kind, and generous at first glance. They may also appear to be extremely useful. However, you feel small and powerless in their presence.

We must not disregard hidden bullies when our intuition tells us "something is off.” Many highly sensitive and intuitive individuals do not naturally trust their inner voice because they frequently perceive and feel things others do not. Others may have told them they are "imagining things" or criticized their observations. They may also understand that their keen intuition and perceptiveness threaten others. They have therefore learned to muffle their inner voice and numb themselves. It takes practice to regain your intuition, but it is possible. The key is to look deeper and not merely focus on the surface meaning of things.

Group dynamics exist within every team, partnership, and organization. There are always power struggles, the formation of allies, and tensions. However, these underlying dynamics, which include subtle undermining and gaslighting, are rarely discussed openly. Suppose you allow yourself to see things from a more perceptive vantage point. You may discover that a hidden bully always tries to display his or her superiority in underhanded ways. For instance, they may "accidentally" reveal their qualifications or show you a picture on their cell phone. These strategies, whether conscious or unconscious, diminish your self-esteem. Your coworker may not realize they are undermining you, but their actions communicate, "I am superior to you," or "I possess items that you do not."

It is crucial to recognize that things are not always what they appear to be on the surface. With some "advice," "suggestion," or "helpful criticism," an undermining coworker may be subtly conveying that they are superior to you. You alone can determine this by evaluating the frequency and consistency of the person's behaviour and how you feel in their presence.

How to handle undermining

If a colleague undermines you, take action. You can talk to your boss or human resources representative — or face the person directly. However, depending on the context, these strategies aren't always effective or practical. Some of the following mental strategies can be used in any situation.

1. Reestablish Your Relationship with Anger. Your relationship with anger is crucial when dealing with an undermining coworker. If you have a dysfunctional relationship with anger, it will be hard to set healthy boundaries and recognize violations.

Abuse, humiliation, and undermining cause pain and rage. We must acknowledge, label, and let ourselves experience and process these feelings even when it is unpleasant.

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Instead of letting their anger be, people who have difficulty with anger often turn it against themselves and drown in self-hatred, blame, and shame. When their anger is internalized, they may suffer from physical symptoms such as depression, low energy, indigestion, and headaches.

If you can accept and live with your anger when it arises, and if you give yourself a legitimate outlet to vent it (e.g., by talking to a friend or therapist or allowing yourself to express your anger in a journal or inner dialogue), you will not find pent-up irritability, thereby reducing the likelihood of your anger exploding uncontrollably. Also, you will recognize that anger arising in you is a sign that others have violated your boundaries.

2. Develop a Fresh Perspective. Imagine your bully as a child. What might have happened in their youth to make them so fragile that they could no longer trust themselves and instead feel they must undermine others to feel secure? Whom could they be imitating? Where did they acquire these behaviours? What's their lifestyle? Who makes them feel powerless and insignificant? Do they have a dominant partner? Are their parents overly involved? Consider their low self-esteem. Do they hide a weakness? Maybe they got a late start in life or their work and are overcompensating.

These inquiries aren't meant to excuse a bully's behaviour. You never have to accept abuse or bullying, nor do you have to sympathize with or forgive a bully. But these questions will help you remember that their actions have nothing to do with you. You're a victim of their broken connection with the world, and that's not your fault.

Bullies are excellent at appearing strong, powerful, and invulnerable, so their vulnerabilities are hard to spot at first. Looking back and looking more closely, we may see their weakness and insecurity.

Conclusion

An undermining coworker may engage in such behaviour out of insecurity or a desire to feel powerful, and it can be highly detrimental to team dynamics. Assess the situation and determine how to protect yourself from this negativity. On a psychological level, you can address a toxic dynamic by evaluating your relationship with anger and adopting a broader perspective, among other strategies.