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Key points
- Dating can be challenging, and buying into myths about dating makes it even more stressful.
- Often, believing in dating myths can be an avoidance strategy.
- To move toward your goals, focus on what you value, not what you fear.
Let's face it; it's not easy if you are single and want to be in a relationship. Dating apps technically should facilitate the process, as they give you access to thousands of people who also want to meet someone.
However, dating apps also open up more opportunities to be ghosted and flat-out rejected. They force you to encounter fears and insecurities you might not want to confront.
The desire to meet someone "organically" (i.e., in daily life) also brings up similar issues that cause anxiety and distress.
As a psychologist, I frequently talk to single clients about their dating woes. Even when they rank meeting someone as one of their highest priority goals, they repeatedly avoid doing what it actually takes to meet that person. Often people talk themselves out of dating by buying into some commonly held dating myths.
Again and again, people hold onto these myths to protect themselves from getting hurt. It is as if they are saying, "If I can come up with an excuse to avoid doing this, I won't have to deal with being rejected" (or whatever the dating fear might be for that person).
Here are some common myths about dating and how to see things differently:
Myth 1: I need to love myself before someone else can love me.
There are different iterations of this commonly held myth, including the belief that you must have most of your issues worked out before you can be in a successful relationship. Also related is the idea that to attract others, you need to feel confident and radiate that confidence.
Debunking Myth 1
Would it be great if you fully loved yourself, had most of your issues worked out, and felt confident and radiated this confidence? Absolutely!
Do most people feel this good about themselves most of the time? No!
Virtually everyone has negative core beliefs about themselves that get activated at times. Examples of negative core beliefs are:
- I am unlovable
- I am a failure
- I am worthless
- I am bound to be rejected
Stress, vulnerability, and emotional insecurity trigger these types of beliefs. Putting yourself out in the dating world opens you up to feeling, well, stressed, vulnerable, and insecure. Thus, dating is bound to trigger these negative core beliefs, especially after experiencing rejection or even thinking about the possibility of being rejected. So, you are less likely to feel like you love yourself when you are single and actively trying to meet someone else.
Keep in mind that when you do start a relationship with someone, it is highly possible to be in a healthy relationship with someone even if you still struggle with unresolved issues. You can work on these personal issues within the context of a healthy relationship.
Myth 2: Dating should be fun.
A minority of people luck out and have great dating experiences. Some people never like dating, and others have a lot of enthusiasm for it when they start out but quickly burn out when things don't go as well as planned.
It feels like work, a common refrain I hear from people who are on dating apps.
Debunking Myth 2
Dating is often hard work. I often tell people who ascribe to this myth about my friend, a fellow psychologist, who wanted to meet someone after her brief marriage dissolved. "If you want to meet someone, you need to treat dating like a part-time job," she said. Even though she had a full-time job, she managed to make dating her part-time one. This approach did indeed pay off, and she is now remarried and has three children with her second husband.
In addition, because of the negative core beliefs that often get activated during the dating process, understandably, it can be unpleasant and stressful.
Finally, when you think dating should be enjoyable, it puts even more pressure on it. If you aren't having fun, it just makes the experience feel worse, making it more likely you will give up on the process.
Myth 3: I need to be motivated to date.
There is often a vast discrepancy between people's desire to be in a relationship and the motivation to do what it takes to reach that goal. People frequently avoid going on dating apps or responding to messages because they aren't motivated to do so.
Debunking Myth 3
It can be hard to be motivated to do something when it activates your negative core beliefs, and the chances of success are uncertain. While it is easier to do things when you are excited and motivated, you can still do things like dating and not have much motivation.
When motivation is a challenge, validate yourself about how challenging the process is, and also focus on why you are doing it and what you ultimately want to accomplish.
Focus on your values, not your fears.
Finally, when you are thinking about dating, but noticing some hesitation, focus on your goals and values and what is important to you. Remind yourself that many people struggle with the dating process, and it's okay to be unenthusiastic about it. If it causes you stress and anxiety, that's normal and expected. Acknowledge your fears, and then let your values guide your behavior.
