How Pornography Can Affect Relationships

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A common topic in couples therapy that comes up is pornography use. Couples may be navigating what type of use is acceptable in their relationship or processing a breach in trust after discovering a partner’s pornography habits.

Wondering if the couples I work with were a fair representation of the average population in regards to porn use, I decided to check out some research. The first survey I looked at was the National Couples and Pornography Survey (2021) conducted by BYU's Wheatley Institute. It found that 1 in 5 couples reported conflict over pornography use despite 70% of participants finding the use of pornography acceptable. There was a large gap between men and women’s use, with men twice as likely to view pornography and women twice as likely to have never viewed pornography before. They also found that men under 30 were 2.5 times more likely to view pornography on a daily basis than men over 30. The last fact I found interesting was that couples with no use reported higher relationship satisfaction.

The next report I looked at, from 2022 from The Survey Center on American Life found similar outcomes. It found that about 60% of Americans have watched pornography in their life. They also found men to watch it at a much higher rate than women. They noted that men in their 30s and 40s reported the highest use out of all people surveyed. The problems they found were that men who watched porn tended to feel more lonely and 80% of all people who watched it felt more insecure about their personal appearance. The overall conclusion was those who watched porn had higher correlations of negative social conditions but the researchers could not definitely conclude that the cause was from pornography or that those who experience those negative conditions just used pornography more.

Now that we know a lot of people engage in pornography use and also experience individual or relationship problems let's look at some other information. Porn has been around an estimated 40 millennia as we have found cave paintings depicting sexual acts. It seems to have been created for those who were not sexually satisfied in their relationship or single people who wanted a sexual outlet. I also know that many couples use it together as a way to spice things up. It has long been seen as controversial or problematic for exploiting the women who appear in it. More recently, concern has been raised that it may cause sexual dysfunction because of unrealistic expectations of sex with a real partner. Concerns about trafficking led one popular site to remove all unverified videos in 2020. Some companies have started producing "ethical" pornography, as well as porn made specifically made for women.

My takeaway is that this isn’t something that should be hidden away. It is a common practice and so I encourage couples to talk about their feelings on it. Many couples I work with are in conflict over finding out about a partner’s use, and when I ask if they had talked about it previously, most admit that they hadn’t. A lot of conflict could be avoided if couples talked about pornography early in their relationships. The goal should be understanding how each partner feels about it, and if there is a difference in feelings, they can work on a compromise of acceptable use. John Gottman’s research has found that couples that talk about sex report having more satisfying sex lives. I also take that to mean talking about their use of pornography and solo masturbation habits. There is no right or wrong action; it’s up to the couple to decide what works best for them.

Here are some tips on how to start the conversation:

• Share this post and ask your partner to share their feelings.
• When dating someone new, ask how they feel about pornography.
• Let your partner know any boundaries you have with regard to types of pornography or frequency of use.
• If you’re a parent, a great conversation started can be around what to say to your kids about pornography.

As always, if you have trouble talking to your partner or navigating a conflict search for a qualified couples counselor who can help you communicate better.