3 Secrets to Healthy Relationships

Photo by Justin Folis at Unsplash

A client, I’ll call Anna, arrived at her therapy session with me in tears. Over the past year, Anna had been dating a man I’ll call Jim. The two had met through an online dating app. Anna was thrilled to meet someone who shared her interest in outdoor activities like hiking and indoor activities like reading books.

Anna often conveyed her ambivalent feelings about Jim. She said his messiness, perpetual lateness, and tendency to get distracted “drive me nuts.” The couple argued when Anna criticized Jim for these qualities. Jim broke up with Anna saying, “It seems you want a different kind of person. You always want to change me. It makes me feel unappreciated. I can never make you happy.”

After the breakup, Anna felt devastated and lonely. She remembered all the qualities she loved about Jim. His sense of humor, thoughtfulness, generosity, intelligence, and physical appeal delighted her. I asked her how often she praised him for these qualities.

“I didn’t want to seem too into him. I held back a lot of my positive feelings because I was afraid to scare him off,” she said.

“So, you thought he’d be scared off by too much admiration?” I asked.

“Yeah. I guess that sounds really stupid now,” she replied.

“No, you don’t sound stupid. It sounds like you were afraid to share the good feelings you had for Jim but not afraid to share the critical feelings,” I said.

Anna shared terrible online dating experiences that made her cynical and distrustful. She felt she had to remain guarded and not get too close. Focusing on Jim’s irritating qualities made her feel less vulnerable. Unfortunately, it made Jim think he could never make her happy, and he ended what might have been a promising relationship.

Rejection can feel devastating. Dreams about a happy, healthy future relationship can seem out of reach. Yet relationship failures can teach us valuable lessons to help us identify our deepest needs and how we can improve. During times of loss, it helps to reach for a lifeline.

Lifelines Out of Rejection and Loneliness

Loneliness can leave us feeling as if we are somehow defective, unlucky, or unlovable. It often makes us physically hurt. Yet there are lifelines everywhere if we look for them. Here are two ways to begin:

1. Acknowledge the pain of rejection and loss. Take the time you need to cry, stare at the wall, and rage at your misfortune. Recognize that emotions are signals to alert you of something important you can learn. The painful feelings can help you clarify what you truly need. While taking responsibility for your part in the relationship failure may sting, that understanding can help you grow and improve. Remember that all feelings are temporary. The hurt will pass.
2. Ask for help. Ask someone, like a therapist, or a loved one, to listen to your story. We all benefit from witnesses to our suffering. Someone can hold us in our grief. Provide comfort when we hurt. It may be challenging to ask for help, but in the act of asking, we aim toward healing and hope. Hopefulness is healthy.

We all have the power to strengthen our relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. Each relationship failure can point the way to greater self-awareness and self-improvement. Your deeper appreciation can fuel a more satisfying connection when you finally find that special someone.

Three Secrets to Healthy Relationships

The human brain has a natural negative bias to help us ward off threats. Yet the healthiest relationships feel abundant with joy, humor, playfulness, celebration, and admiration. Find pleasure in your loved one’s happiness. Join in celebrations of achievements. These moments of joyful connection help us cope better through the hard times. They infuse our relationships with vitality.

1. Gratitude: When you appreciate the kindness of others, you strengthen your attachments. When you can appreciate who and what you have, you improve your ability to cope with life’s challenges. Gratitude fosters emotional agility and improves mental health and happiness (Gloria et al. 2016). It’s not enough to just feel grateful. Sharing your gratitude with others supercharges your relationships with positivity. When you share your appreciation, it inspires others to do the same.
2. Amplify the good: Our relationships flourish when we magnify the positive qualities we notice in others. We also feel happier when we recognize and amplify the good around us. Amplify the good by noticing it. Let your mind linger in the good longer. Then mention that good in all your relationships. Look for opportunities to share what you admire about others. This strengthens our attachments to one another and improves the quality of our relationships (Gordon et al., 2012).
3. Commitment and meaning: Our work, family, social obligations, and responsibilities provide purpose beyond selfish desires. Maintaining our commitments makes our relationships stronger. Obligations and commitments offer us a sense of significance and meaning. Those in more committed relationships report feeling more happiness than those without a strong bond of commitment (Dush et al., 2005, Schneider, 2022).

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If you feel lonely, start with gratitude for yourself. Appreciate your unique experience and one-of-a-kind specialness. Write a letter of gratitude to yourself. You can marvel at your senses, the capacity to observe nature, listen to music, and engage in the world with your arms, legs, hands, and feet. Write daily journals and or letters of gratitude. Don’t neglect to acknowledge your weaker connections with people. You can also appreciate a helpful neighbor, a friendly barista, or a warm and caring doctor. Research shows writing about gratitude will help you recover from loss more quickly (Wong et al., 2018).

We can look for lifelines out of loneliness from outside (therapists, self-help books, friends, and family) and inside (gratitude, amplifying the good, upholding our commitments). Our human brain is designed to cope and adapt. It holds magnificent power we can harness for survival and happiness. Just gently aim it in the direction you wish to go. You may be surprised how far your mighty mind can take you.