Why I Apologized to My Computer

The facial recognition of my computer makes the camera light blink and murmur until I look at it. One day the phone rang just as I turned on the computer. By the time I returned to it, the camera light had blinked and murmured for about 30 minutes. When I realized this, I automatically said, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

I laughed at myself for apologizing to an inanimate object. On reflection, I was glad I did it.

As a young man, I hated to apologize because I saw it as submission. It seemed that I had to feel bad about myself for inadvertent and venial offenses. This seemed particularly unjust since I committed inadvertent and venial offenses because I felt bad about myself. Having to apologize seemed like piling on after I was down.

The stereotype of people who have difficulty apologizing is that their egos are bigger than their values. There’s some truth to that in the context of transactions. On an intrapsychic level, their shame is bigger than their values. Shame is a self-obsessed emotion; it’s impossible to see other perspectives when experiencing it or when trying to avoid it with blame, denial, or distraction. Inflated egos are a defense against shame.

Transactional Apology

The purpose of apology is to restore eventual connection. (Restoration can’t always be immediate when partners are hurt.) The purpose of sincere apology is never to defend or promote the ego, nor is it expiation for mistakes.

Feeling like you’re submitting or being punished will drain sincerity from any attempt you make to apologize. This misperception, probably born in toddlerhood, demands accurate interpretation. The shame of needing to apologize is not punishment; it’s motivation to connect. Apology is not submission; it’s one of the more beautiful forms of human interactions: reconciliation:

“Our connection is important to me; you're important to me. I’m so sorry that my behavior hurt you and broke our connection.”

How we apologize makes all the difference. Many people think they’re apologizing when they’re coming off as appeasing or patronizing or dismissive. The crucial elements of apology are sincerity and follow-through: that is, feel what you say and “walk the walk,” not just “talk the talk.”

Feelings about apology reveal its sincerity and its likely effectiveness. If you feel bad about having to apologize, you’re seeing it as punishment or submission. If you feel good about it, you’re seeing it as reconciliation.

Intrapsychic Benefits of Apology

Apology isn’t just for the offended person; it also strengthens the sense of self. It relieves shame by following the natural motivation to connect. At the same time, it’s training the brain for the future. The more often I apologized in my marriage, the less often I needed to do it.

Offenses that require an apology typically occur by habits activated by stress or perceived insult. They are bound to recur until we practice a more functional response. We must practice frequently enough to form a counter-habit. We need to develop action plans to prevent recidivism. Here’s an effective way to do it:

• Identify the antecedents of the hurtful behavior—what you were thinking, feeling, and doing, as well as the state of your physical resources (hungry, tired, thirsty, having consumed more than two drinks or more than two cups of coffee, or too much sugar).
• Practice how you will act differently under similar conditions in the future:

“This is what I will do to remind myself how much I value you when similar conditions occur in the future. When I feel stressed, flooded, distracted, tired, uncomfortable, or insulted, I will....”

Apologizing to my computer, while it had no transactional value, resulted from a habit of correcting mistakes. I never again failed to look at the camera as soon as it blinked.