The Right Place at the Right Time

How different settings affect romantic initiation success

Source: chatGPT

When we explore the phenomenon of falling in love, the significance of where it transpires is just as pivotal as how it unfolds. Trying your new smooth pickup line at the graveyard will likely have very different consequences than trying it at the gym. In our latest research, my colleague Dr. Katie Adams and I delved into this often-overlooked aspect of romantic settings. Much like the setting of a novel influences its plot, the backdrop of our romantic interactions can impact their development.

Why Where Matters as Much as How

Consider two different scenarios: a bustling bar with pulsating music versus the quiet, maybe even boring environment of a long train ride. Our findings suggest that the choice of setting for initiating a romantic gesture profoundly impacts its reception. Whereas engaging with someone in a lively bar can be exhilarating, engaging while on a long train ride, where deeper, more meaningful connections can form, is likely to have better results.

Our paper, recently published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, describes data from five independent samples. These data highlight the role settings play in perceiving (hypothetical) relationship initiation attempts and (expectations of) their success. In the first study, we sourced a wide variety of settings for real-world relationship initiations. A separate sample rated the identified settings on initiation appropriateness. In the next study, we tested the appropriateness and associated outcomes of initiation settings while varying aspects of the interpersonal context (initiator attractiveness, initiator familiarity, sexual nature of proposition).

We found that regardless of initiator attractiveness, familiarity, or type of proposal, perceptions of initiations’ success were impacted by the settings’ appropriateness. We also found a gender difference such that men were overall more accepting of the initiations.

The Attraction-Connection Equation

The right setting is crucial, but the interplay of personal attributes like attractiveness and familiarity also plays a role. For example, attractive targets were rated higher on the likelihood of contact, but not in settings that were inappropriate. Thus, the typical benefit of attractiveness within relationship initiation is limited to more appropriate settings. As for familiarity with the initiator, rather than helping, familiar initiators were penalized more than unfamiliar ones in settings that were low on appropriateness. Perhaps because familiar initiators have other opportunities to initiate with the target in more appropriate settings, their violation of social norms is perceived more negatively than a stranger trying to seize their (potentially only) opportunity. In addition, being familiar appears to be less beneficial for men initiators than women initiators.

Choosing Your Romantic Words Carefully

Today, the way we express romantic interest can range from direct dinner invitations to more sexual/hookup suggestions. However, the appropriateness of the setting can interact with these approaches: for example, we found that the more sexual propositions, when used in less appropriate settings, further reduced initiation success likelihood among both women and men targets.

Conclusion: Crafting Your Romantic Scene

Our research offers a fresh lens through which to view romantic initiatives, emphasizing the crucial role of setting alongside personal interaction. Whether navigating the complexities of online dating or planning a face-to-face encounter, the environment we choose plays a fundamental role in shaping potential romantic connections. As you plan your next romantic adventure, remember to consider not only who you are with but where you are. The right setting might just be the key to unlocking a meaningful connection.