How and How Not to Get Over a Breakup

It can be very tough to get over a breakup regardless of how the relationship went. After all, at some point, you invested time, effort, and emotions into the relationship.

Source: Photo by RDNE Stock project from Pexels

It's fitting that the end of a relationship is called a breakup rather than a feather-up, a chocolate-up, or something else that sounds more comfortable. It can be tough to get over a breakup regardless of how the relationship went. After all, at some point, you invested time, effort, and emotions in the relationship. So, unless you are a robot or a sociopath, expect to be saddled with lots of challenging emotions for a while.

So how do you successfully get over a breakup? Well, first, here are 10 wrong ways:

1. DON'T dive right into another relationship: Rebounding may work in basketball but not so much when trying to move on and grow. Quickly entering a rebound relationship because you're lonely won't give you the time and space to fully process the breakup and learn from it.
2. DON'T drown your sorrows in alcohol, drugs, or some other unhealthy habit: Although Bluto did tell Flounder in Animal House, “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily,” this is rarely good advice for any situation.
3. DON'T expect to recover immediately: You aren't a pair of Spanx. Don't expect to quickly snap back to where you were before the relationship.
4. DON'T pretend to be fine immediately: Bottling up your true feelings can be like stuffing some ferrets down your pants. Sure, you can hide what's going on for a while. But eventually, they've gotta come out somehow, maybe when you least expect it.
5. DON'T idealize your ex: The risk is donning breakup goggles, through which you overlook all the reasons why the breakup occurred. For example, maybe you begin feeling that your ex didn't cheat with that many other people.
6. DON'T expect your ex to provide closure: Presumably, you broke up because one or both of you couldn't resolve or even fully understand your differences. So, don't expect your ex to magically transform like the Hulk into Bruce Banner and apologize,
7. DON'T hang on to your ex: Don't let your brain and your living quarters become some kind of shrine to your ex.
8. DON'T isolate yourself and let your life fall apart: "I'll show my ex how much of a mess my life can really become" is not the answer.
9. DON'T aim for revenge: Don't become a Bond villain. Even if you were to slowly lower your ex into a pool of sharks with freaking laser beams on them as per Austin Powers, this is not going to give you the satisfaction that you may think it will.
10. DON'T reflexively run back to your ex: If the two of you weren't a good match in the first place, then running back could simply prolong the agony and keep you from meeting the right person.

Instead, do the opposite of all of the above:

1. Stay single for a while: This will give you the time to truly process, learn, grow, and not make the same mistakes in the future.
2. Take care of yourself and your body: Make yourself your own significant other.
3. Give yourself time to recover: You may have heard that it takes about half the time your relationship lasted to get over a breakup (e.g., three years from a six-year relationship, 12 hours from a one-day one.) This isn't based on any real science. So, expect the actual time to vary. However, it is true that recovery indeed takes time, often longer than you expect.
4. Acknowledge your emotions: One way is to write a letter to your ex, expressing your true feelings. Getting all of this out on paper, on a stone tablet, on a computer screen, or wherever you typically write stuff can be a helpful release and help you better understand how you truly feel. But do not actually send the letter to your ex. The letter is for you.
5. Understand why the relationship didn't work: You don't completely recover from a breakup until you truly understand and accept why there was a mismatch and what mistakes both of you made. A key word here is "both." When relationships don't work, it's never completely one-sided.
6. Give yourself closure: Don't yield your power to someone else. You'll get closure when you yourself fully understand what happened.
7. Create distance between you and your ex: This includes physical, mental, and emotional distance. Don't continue communicating with your ex. Consider getting rid of anything that may remind you of your ex, such as that statue that you have of him or her in your bedroom.
8. Connect with others and improve your life: Surround yourself with supportive people who are willing to help you through this tough period. Use this as an opportunity to learn new skills and gain new interests or further develop ones that you may have put on hold during your relationship.
9. Prepare for future possibilities: Aim to become the best version of yourself and fully available. Good-quality people won't want to be with someone who is still hung up on someone else.
10. Know what you really want: Every relationship that ends tells you more about what you do and don't want. Going into future relationships without knowing what you truly want can be like shopping on Amazon without having a clue about what you want to purchase. You don't want to end up buying that mullet headband unless you have a mullet or truly want a mullet.

All of the above can apply to breakups of any sort, not just romantic ones. The aftermath of leaving a friendship or a workplace can be tough as well. But even if you are feeling very broken up right now, that doesn't mean that you can't piece yourself back together into a stronger self.