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Key points
- Nobody can do our self-care for us.
- In each moment of our lives, we can choose how we see ourselves and the world around us.
- Rather than labeling ourselves "good" or "bad," we can learn to accept ourselves with greater self-compassion.
There’s what we want. And then there’s what is.
Life is filled with beautiful flowers. And then there are the weeds. And nobody can protect us from the weeds, dry soil, and rocky ground in the gardens of our lives. There’s no fence tall enough to keep out unwanted intrusions, emotions, and experiences.
How do we deal with the weeds? What strategies can help us notice the beauty, colors, and fragrances of the flowers and trees? How might we deal with the weeds when we first notice them, before they get too big and potentially destructive?
Of course, putting the metaphors aside, here’s the big question: How do we learn to take care of the gardens of our own day-to-day lives? Sooner or later we learn, sometimes the hard way, that nobody can do our self-care for us:
- Our lives are our gardens and we’re more vulnerable than we’d like to be.
- We need enough water, sunlight, and good soil to thrive.
- We need to take care of ourselves and can’t depend on others to do our self-care for us.
- We need to water the flowers, not the weeds.
Yes, there’s what you want and what is. Yet in each moment, you can choose how you see yourself and the world around you (Miller, 2021). And although others can support and cheer you on, it’s on you to care for your own garden.
What do you need for self-care? There are many pathways to self-care and thriving. Here are a few:
1. Connecting With Your Values. Your values are like your inner compass, letting you know what’s truly important to you, inviting you toward where you want to focus your energies, and offering a source of insight and motivation.
It’s so easy to get lost in the day-to-day, misplacing what really matters to you in the big picture of your existence. Losing touch with your values can be like watering the weeds and can cause many kinds of suffering. Conversely, making choices based on your values offers greater meaning and direction. The values you choose to live by are up to you. What do you truly value?
2. Awakening and Practicing Self-Compassion. According to psychologist Kristen Neff, Ph.D., self-compassion involves seeing your own life in the light of common human experience. Rather than labeling yourself as "good" or "bad," you can learn to accept yourself with a more open heart (2011). This shift in perspective can be life-changing. How would it be if you offered yourself the same kindness and caring that you would share with a good friend or loved one?
Neff writes that typically there’s almost no person who we treat as badly as we treat ourselves. Yet, there are many pathways to increase self-compassion, offering yourself the tenderness and kindness you need.
One place to begin is to gently offer yourself care, with kind words and a reassuring tone of voice (Neff, 2021, 2011; Salzburg, 2010). For example: “It’s OK honey, you’re OK.” When something disturbs you, you can try to be more patient with yourself. Neff recommends writing to yourself regularly with kind, comforting words. You might write in a journal or record your kind thoughts on an electronic device.
3. Enjoying Experiences That Bring You Pleasure. There’s no formula for what different people enjoy, but this brief list offers a few examples:
Go outside in nature. Play games. Watch a movie or a concert. Nurture your garden, in a window or outdoors. Walk with a friend or your dog. Enjoy the sun shining in through a window. Hang out with a loved one, friend, or acquaintance you enjoy. Call someone you care about. Volunteer. Create art, music, or a craft. Write a poem or story just for fun. Cook something you enjoy. Do a random act of kindness.
4. Putting Things Into Perspective With Gratitude. Whether the day is going well or poorly, it can be helpful to remind yourself of what you are thankful for. Even when times are tough, pausing to notice a small positive moment, experience, or event can offer you greater perspective.
What do you need for self-care in the garden of your life? How can you take a step toward watering the flowers, not the weeds?
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or healthcare professional.
© 2024 Ilene Berns-Zare, LLC. All rights reserved.
References
Miller, L. (2021). The awakened brain: The new science of spirituality and our quest for an inspired life. New York, NY: Random House.
Neff, K., (2021). Fierce self-compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: William Morrow.
Salzberg, S. (2010). The force of kindness: Change your life with love & compassion. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
