How to Create a Loving, Supportive Home

We all want to live with understanding, supportive people. Many of us dream of a home filled with love that provides a solid foundation for taking on the world together.

So how do we get there?

DBT skills are a set of strategies designed to help us manage our emotions, improve our relationships, and live a more fulfilling life. This is the third article in a series about using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills to live well with others. The DBT House rules offer us skills-based guidelines for creating the culture we want at home. In this article, we’ll talk about:

DBT House Rule #3: Try to Understand and Validate Each Other’s Experience

Working together, we can build a loving home.

Source: Created with Canva

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, validation means showing that we understand someone else’s feelings, experience, or perspective. We tell the other person, “I get where you’re coming from,” even when we may not agree or have a different perspective.

Why is Validation Helpful for Maintaining a Happy Home?

Let’s look at how validation changes things for Debra and her mom. Debra’s aging mother has moved into Debra’s home. Tensions build as they get increasingly annoyed with each other’s habits. Debra’s mother feels a loss of control and criticizes Debra’s chaotic routines and household hygiene. Debra resents her loss of privacy and autonomy. She often makes insensitive remarks about the imposition her mother has created on her lifestyle.

Things are not going well. In family therapy, their therapist teaches them the DBT House Rules. They start by practicing validation:

Debra: I’ve given up my social life to care for you. And then I feel guilty about feeling so resentful.

Debra’s mom validates: I can see that balancing your own needs with mine is hard. I appreciate everything you do for me. And I feel guilty about imposing on you.

Debra validates: It must be hard to dependent on me. You’ve been so independent most of your life. I can see how this change is challenging for you.

Debra’s mom appreciates the validation: Thank you for recognizing that. Giving up my independence has been hard.

It’s natural to feel defensive when someone else is complaining about how we like to live. However, by focusing on validation, we can recognize the other person’s humanity. This empowers us to engage in cooperative problem-solving.

Together, they decide that Debra’s mom will use a ride-share app for some doctor’s appointments and spend an evening at a friend’s house each week. And several times a week, her mom will also attend a day program for retirees at the local parks and recreation center. This will give Debra some time with her friends.

Taking Action as the Ultimate Validation

While understanding and empathizing with someone’s emotions is essential, research suggests that taking concrete action in response to a request or complaint is one of the most validating things a person can do in a relationship.

Knowing that validating actions speak louder than words, take action next time your housemate has a reasonable complaint. The goal is to create a culture of generosity and goodwill by making needed changes.

For example, Debra suggests implementing changes in response to her mother’s needs:

Debra’s mom: “I don’t feel safe in this neighborhood.”

Debra validates: “I hear you, Mom. I know this neighborhood is different from what you were used to. Would it help you feel safer if we went for some walks and introduced ourselves to the neighbors? We could bring them some of your famous pecan cookies.”

Debra’s mom: “I know you like soft lighting, Debra, but your home is just too dark. I can’t see.”

Debra validates: “I understand. I have a certain aesthetic I like and don’t want to compromise. But I also understand that you need more light. What if we gradually replace the light bulbs with ones that have three settings? So, we can adjust the lighting to each of our needs.”

Family Dynamics Essential Reads

What Makes Sisterhood So Special

From Fusion to Freedom

Loving relationships are based on understanding each other's experience.

Source: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels

Over and over again, Debra and her mom choose empathy over defensiveness. Their conversations can still be challenging. But they bridge the gap between their generations and perspectives by developing a culture of understanding and validation. As the days turn into weeks and months, Debra and her mother navigate their shared space with a newfound sense of understanding and mutual respect. They may not always see eye to eye, but they approach each challenge with an open heart and a willingness to listen.

Encouragement and Positive Feedback

Blending validating words and actions can help you develop the supportive, caring environment you crave. Discuss the DBT House rules with your housemates. Provide encouragement and positive feedback when someone is taking your concerns seriously.

We often inadvertently punish people for doing what we want them to do, saying things like “Well, it’s about time” or “It’s too late now.” Such negative responses will reduce the likelihood of them validating you with words or actions in the future, the opposite of what we want! Instead, speak with appreciation for the way you both are able to understand each other’s needs and experiences.

Validation lets the other person know you understand their perspective. It moves everyone in the direction of creating a skillful, loving home culture.

Here Are the Five DBT House Rules

In this house, we:

1. Assume good intentions.

2. Get curious about each other’s emotions and perspectives.

3. Try to understand and validate each other’s experience.

4. Respond gently and use an easy manner.

5. Respect each other’s capabilities, needs, and limitations.