Servant Leadership in Relationships

When partners serve one another in a respectful manner, they can help lead each other to better selves and a better relationship. The concept of servant leadership is well documented (Blanchard, 2018; Kauppila et al., 2022), but few have linked it to building committed personal relationships. In this post, I will review three ways servant leadership can help relationships, particularly those struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): serving your partner, seeking the higher path, and trust-based communication.

Serving Your Partner

Service does not necessarily mean servitude. "Service" implies looking out for the interests of another, regardless of relative rank or position. The concept of servant leadership carries this concept forward by suggesting that this aspect of leadership can directly translate into effectiveness in all facets of life (Maxwell, 2002). Scholars suggest that this sense of giving oneself to another selflessly translates into better marriages, despite myriad challenges. “The only way to create great relationships and results is through servant leadership. It’s all about putting other people first” (Maxwell, 2018, foreword of Blanchard). In other words, thinking of your partner’s needs before your own can be an effective life perspective. For some, this is a difficult prospect, but deliberate practice over time can produce great rewards. Think about some ways you can empathize with your partner and anticipate his/her wants or needs.

Seeking the Higher Path

When coping with the ebbs and flows of OCD in your relationship, it’s easy to get stuck in individual and couple ruts: self-destructive habits of thinking that often translate into self-centered behaviors. The key is to realize that it is possible—indeed, necessary—to aspire to relationships grounded in love, service, and growth.

We think there is a better choice: to lead at a higher level. When people lead at a higher level, they make the world a better place because in addition to results and relationships, their goals are focused on the greater good. This requires a special kind of leader: a servant leader. (Blanchard, 2018, introduction, italics in original)

In other words, serving your partner from a loving stance will often influence other, increasingly expansive and unanticipated, relationships with and among others. Servant leadership can influence connections beyond traditional supervisory relationships within hierarchical structures. Positive leadership attitudes and behaviors in the workplace, for example, can promote employee satisfaction and retention (Kauppila et al., 2022). The benefits of service-oriented attitudes in personal and professional relationships can far outweigh the effort required.

Trust-Based Communication

Implicit trust in your partner is a principal attribute of successful marriages, especially those coping with OCD. Trust leads to better communication, resulting in increased partner satisfaction in a relationship (Covey, 2006; Halford, 2001). For example, it has taken me years to trust my wife when she tells me I’m enmeshed in another obsession-compulsion cycle. I cannot trust my own cognitive governance in these circumstances, so I rely upon her judgment and understand it comes from a loving place. Positive behaviors tend to galvanize intimacy in relationships (Halford, 2001). Even basic acts such as hugs, kisses, dates, compliments, and listening can be powerful tools for reinforcing constructive communication—if they come from a sincere heart.

The table below includes some, not all, techniques to consider regarding these three elements of servant leadership in terms of relationships.

Serving your loved one can strengthen a marriage.

Source: David Culkin

Conclusion

Serving your partner in all aspects of life does not mean servitude but, rather, opening the door to an enhanced relationship built upon true service rooted in something bigger than yourself. The glue to this relationship is the intent to communicate your true self with your partner, grounded on a foundation of implicit trust. What will work for you and your partner?