"Baby Reindeer": The Complexities of Sexual Abuse

Source: Ake Ngiamsanguan / istock

The Netflix series "Baby Reindeer" landed on our screens in April 2024 and became an instant success and a hot conversation topic on social media because it is based on a true story.

The series skilfully takes its audience on the multi-layered journey of a man whose self-esteem and self-worth are damaged by sexual coercion and manipulation (often called “grooming”), sexual abuse, and being the victim of a stalker. "Baby Reindeer" courageously shows the honest and raw reality of such abuse, and it is even more poignant that the actor playing Donny, Richard Gabb, is the man who survived those traumatic events in real life.

Through the seven episodes, there are numerous psychosexual themes that are common ones for psychotherapists specialising in working with survivors of sexual abuse. Firstly, as Donny’s story shows so well, the “grooming” is generally subtle because the abusers take a lot of time to befriend their victims and earn their trust. In "Baby Reindeer," the abuser, Darrien, used the power of his professional status to coerce Donny into believing that he would offer him his big break. Slowly, one step at a time, Darrien spreads the insidious web around Donny until he is psychologically trapped. Then, he proceeds to coerce him with taking drugs, one of which is GHB, a powerful anaesthetic and nervous system depressant, to rape him when he is unconscious. By then, there are problems in his relationship with his girlfriend Keeley because Donny was manipulated to prioritise Darrien, another common “grooming” technique.

Self-Blame

One of the most common questions that survivors are asked is why they kept going back to the abuser after they were raped. Often, survivors blame themselves for it: I must have liked it; I must have wanted it; Maybe I was the one who seduced him. But the reality is that it is none of those reasons. Sexual abuse most often happens within that tight web of deep psychological manipulation to disable the survivor from finding a way out of it. Sexual abuse and coercion are intertwined, and it means that there is an insidious fusion of attachment, love, care, warmth, and abuse. The survivors are left utterly confused by those enormous emotional and psychological conflicts. This is why sexual abuse is a major complex trauma.

I’m glad "Baby Reindeer" showed the honest complexities of sexual abuse because it is important to keep sending the message to survivors that, in the midst of the trauma, in no way did they want it, like it, or encourage it, because it was coercive and, therefore, nonconsensual. When the manipulation and the sexual abuse happen for a long time, it is also common for survivors to feel abandoned when the abuser decides to stop abusing them. Again, it can be very confusing for survivors. They keep searching for the answer: What does it mean? Did I love him? Did I want it? Those strong feelings of attachment are a symptom of the deep psychological trauma of coercion and sexual abuse, not feelings based on equal, consensual attachment.

Change in Sexual Behaviours

I also appreciated that "Baby Reindeer" honestly showed another symptom of sexual abuse that is often not discussed: the rapid change in sexual behaviours. Indeed, after being raped, Donny’s sexual behaviours changed in a way that may be perceived “out of control” or “hypersexual” by watching extreme pornography and by having multiple casual sexual encounters with people of all genders. For some people, this change of behaviours might be very scary. It is important to remember that those sexual behaviours are actually “normal” after a significant trauma.

Even if the sexual behaviours are worrying (having sex with multiple strangers in clubs’ toilet cubicles, for example), it is important not to pathologise them if they occur within six months of the traumatic event(s) because they tend to reduce and rectify themselves over time. However, therapy can still be useful in that time to be in a nonjudgmental space to process what is going on for the survivor. Those “out-of-control” sexual behaviours may actually be a way to search for meaning, to “master” the sexual abuse so that they can feel in control and stop feeling helpless, or even a way of comforting themselves because the sexual abuse attacked their core sense of self.

Donny’s sexuality appeared to have changed after the sexual abuse. Previously, he identified as heterosexual, and after the abuse, he wondered if he was bisexual, and engaged in a romantic relationship with a trans woman, Teri, played by Nava Mau. It is common for survivors of sexual abuse, especially those who identify as other than heterosexual, to wonder if the abuse “broke” their sexuality and caused their change in sexual attraction. Our “erotic template” is vast and ever-changing. There are parts of it that stay dormant until we "awaken” them through watching pornography or sexual experiments. In an ideal world, we want to get to know our “erotic template” and keep in touch with its changes through safe and consensual exploration. But some people stumble across those parts in the context of sexual abuse. In other words, the sexual abuse does not cause a change in sexuality, but it can be the event that awakens part of the “erotic template” that was already there. It is very difficult for some people to navigate this complex journey of self-discovery. Of course, many people will have different experiences, thoughts, and feelings about their sex lives after being sexually abused, so psychosexual therapy can really help with these issues.

The trauma of sexual abuse affects the survivor’s core sense of self, so it can create significant problems in their relationships. Some survivors push loved ones away and sabotage their intimate relationships because their self-esteem and self-worth are deeply wounded. Donny’s statement: “I love her but I hate me more” is so powerful, and, sadly, one that many survivors of sexual abuse can relate to. Psychotherapy and trauma therapy can help in healing those wounds, restoring self-esteem and self-worth so that survivors can begin to navigate their lives based on their authentic sense of self. It can be a long and treacherous journey, but it is worth it.

These are difficult topics, but important ones to bring to light so that supportive conversations can continue. If those topics stay in darkness, the survivors’ shame induced by coercion can keep growing, and it becomes harder for them to reach out for support. It is particularly hard for male survivors of sexual abuse because our patriarchal society tells us that men should not allow themselves to be abused or to feel vulnerable. This is a damaging societal message. Donny’s father kept his sexual abuse story hidden probably for that reason. As we can see in "Baby Reindeer," Donny found it so difficult to talk about his sexual abuse, and when he reached out for help when being stalked by a woman, the authorities did not take him seriously. This is sadly the typical story of male survivors.

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I would like to end this piece on a lighter note. It was refreshing to see a trans woman as a person who was authentic to herself, grounded, with a good job, living a “normal” life, but without ignoring the discrimination that currently exists against trans people. All in all, "Baby Reindeer" is outstanding in its honesty on so many important themes, and I hope it will encourage more male survivors of sexual abuse to access help.