Queering Valentine’s Day

Alexander Grey/Unsplash

The dominant association with Valentine’s Day is with monogamous heterosexual love. It can be a daunting day for people who don’t identify as such. For example, if a same-sex couple wants to have a romantic dinner in a restaurant on that evening, they might stand out as different from the heterosexual couples occupying the rest of the tables.

While on other days, two men or two women dining isn’t an issue (because they could be friends or business partners), it can become an issue on the evening when the restaurants are presumably only for romantic partnerships.

The same problem applies to those in intimate relationships with more than one person. Booking a table for three or four on Valentine’s Day might be tricky and be perceived as “weird.”

It is clear that today's media is making an effort to show a wider range of diversity. There is more LGBTQ+ visibility in film and in television series storylines, commercials, and pop music. It seems that same-sex partnerships are more accepted, especially if they are represented by good-looking, young couples and, more importantly, “sweet.”

The visibility of same-sex couples needs to be carefully curated as “cute” in order to be tolerated. It is usual to see heterosexual couples in the throes of lustful passion in films without causing any offense. However, the expression of same-sex love, or indeed sexual behaviours, as basic as a French kiss between two men, still raises eyebrows, and many channels daring to show such content tend to receive a disproportionate amount of complaints.

When the television programme Queer As Folks was released in the UK in 1999, it made many people uncomfortable because of an explicit sex scene between two men. But those same kinds of sex scenes with heterosexual couples are very normal to watch. A recent example of the double standard is the reaction that Sam Smith’s music video, I’m Not Here To Make Friends, received. Many pop music videos have the same kind of extravagance, potent sexuality, and nakedness, but when it is done with heterosexual sexuality by attractive women such as Kylie Minogue or Madonna—women who may be the objects of heterosexual men’s sexual desire—it is acceptable and even popular. When it is done by Sam Smith, a non-binary person without a six-pack showing potent queer sexuality, it provokes criticisms and complaints.

There is a lack of same-sex love visibility, and on the occasions when there is visibility, it makes people uncomfortable. This is perhaps why Valentine’s Day has largely retained its focus on the promotion of heterosexual love.

Most LGBTQ+ people don’t want to be “tolerated” by the dominant heterosexual world. Many people would like to go to a restaurant on the most romantic evening of the year and not be looked at as “the gay table.” One way we can start to normalise same-sex love is by having more LGBTQ+ visibility associated with Valentine’s Day.

However, many LGBTQ+ people also prefer to have their own traditions. Their idea of love may be very different, especially those whose families have rejected them for being LGBTQ+. The slogans “Love Is Love” and "Love Wins" are popular with Queer people because they promote the message of nonjudgmental love, and celebrating all kinds of love, including friendship love.

The “family of choice,” or “tribe,” is a strong network of survival and thriving for LGBTQ+ people, and so perhaps LGBTQ+ communities can queer up Valentine’s Day by giving it the meaning of the celebration of love rather than just romantic love.

On queer Valentine’s Day, we can call, text, hang out with, or send cards to our most favourite people: our romantic and sexual partner(s) and our gorgeous friends, whether they are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, trans, asexual, and so on. Why restrict our expression of love? Whether in a romantic context or a queer family context, we should not wait for one day of the year to express our love. We should do it regularly.

But, perhaps, on queer Valentine’s Day, LGBTQ+ people can make an event of expressing their love to others, not in a restaurant, not with heart-shaped chocolates, but by getting together, laughing together, hugging each other, and sharing Queer stories. In this tough world we live in, we should take any opportunity we can to spread love to the valued people around us. “Love Is Love” is truly queering Valentine’s Day.