8 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

In the age of social media, buzzwords like "toxic" and "narcissistic" fill our phone screens. Like many clinicians who specialize in working with survivors of relational trauma, I find that my clients frequently seek guidance regarding the health and dynamics of their relationships, likely due to these conversations becoming so mainstream. One question consistently rises to the forefront, especially for my younger clients: Could their relationships be toxic? This question alone reveals a profound societal shift in how we perceive and evaluate the connections that shape our lives.

Because the younger generation is using the word "toxic" much differently than we do in a clinical sense, this topic always evokes some interesting conversation. In the past, this label was reserved for extremely unhealthy and abusive relationships, such as ones where abuse is taking place. However, the younger generation is using this word more often to refer to unhealthy dynamics. Rather than aiming to label their relationship any specific way, we often discuss the feelings and behaviors that led to them considering this possibility.

Toxic relationships can manifest in both romantic and platonic contexts. In romantic relationships, toxicity can involve manipulation, control, emotional abuse, and even physical abuse. In platonic relationships, toxic dynamics might also include manipulation but also gossip, betrayal, or constantly draining one another emotionally without reciprocity.

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Because toxicity runs on a spectrum, there are different types of toxic relationships that range from unhealthy behaviors, which all of us can and do exhibit at some point in our lives, to dysfunctional or even abusive. There are relationships that have elements of toxicity and dysfunction but are able to be improved if both partners have self-awareness and are willing to work through their unhealthy habits. Still, many people, especially those who grew up in dysfunctional or abusive families, struggle to recognize traits that may be considered "toxic." This is when we usually have conversations about what to look for.

Some clues of possible toxic relationships include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Abusive behaviors: Although not all toxic relationships are abusive, all abusive relationships are toxic. This type of relationship involves one partner exerting power and control over the other through physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. For example, constant belittling, threats, or physical violence characterize an abusive relationship. There is never any question about the toxicity of an abusive relationship, and if you feel you may be in one, seek support and guidance.
2. Narcissistic elements: In a narcissistic relationship, one or more partners exhibit traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), such as a lack of empathy or an excessive need for admiration. An example could be a partner who constantly seeks validation and dismisses the needs or feelings of their significant other. Depending on the strength of the NPD traits, as well as the individual dynamic, narcissistic relationships can range from unhealthy to toxic to abusive.
3. Keeping score: This is more than having healthy competition. It is when there is resentment building due to one person paying more, cleaning more, achieving more, etc. This dynamic emerges when partners become fixated on tallying up each other's contributions and resenting perceived imbalances. For instance, one partner might harbor resentment because they believe they contribute more financially or do more household chores than their counterpart.
4. A major power differential: In relationships marked by a power differential, one partner believes they are inherently superior or more deserving of control and influence. For example, a partner may dismiss their significant other's opinions or decisions because they perceive themselves as more intelligent or successful. Not all relationships will be void of power differences, and the presence of one does not automatically make it toxic. It depends on how it is acknowledged and addressed, or if it is used for power and personal gain.
5. Manipulative tactics: Manipulative relationships involve one partner using tactics such as gaslighting, triangulation, or gossiping to control or undermine the other's sense of self. An example could be a partner who spreads rumors about their significant other to isolate them from friends and family. This type of relationship occurs when one partner prioritizes their own needs, desires, or ambitions at the expense of the other's well-being. For example, a partner might exploit their significant other's resources or connections for personal advancement without considering their feelings or interests.
6. Controlling behaviors: In a controlling relationship, one partner exerts dominance over the other through various means, such as restricting their freedom, monitoring their activities, or dictating their behavior. For instance, a partner might demand constant updates on their significant other's whereabouts and become angry if they don't comply.
7. Showing disrespect: Disrespectful relationships involve one or both partners regularly disregarding each other's boundaries, feelings, or autonomy. An example could be a partner who consistently interrupts or talks over their significant other during conversations, demonstrating a lack of regard for their perspective. All of us are capable of occasional disrespect, either during a bad moment or difficult interaction, although this is never an excuse. Still, if this behavior remains unaddressed or unchecked, it could point to toxicity.
8. Inappropriate behaviors: Inappropriate relationships involve behaviors or interactions that breach social, ethical, or professional boundaries. For instance, a teacher engaging in flirtatious or sexually suggestive behavior with a student constitutes an inappropriate relationship due to the power dynamics and potential for exploitation.

In all cases, the toxicity can erode self-esteem, create stress and anxiety, and hinder personal growth. It's essential to recognize the signs of toxicity and prioritize your well-being by setting boundaries, seeking support, and, if necessary, distancing yourself from the relationship. Healthy relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are built on mutual respect, trust, communication, and support.

If you find yourself in a relationship/friendship/social situation in which there is something toxic taking place, the first thing to do is to try talking to the person. Whether it is a friend, coworker, partner, or family member, there should be some element of respect there for the person to take what you say into consideration and change their behavior. If there is an unwillingness to change the behavior, then this is when an unhealthy behavior can turn into a toxic dynamic. If the person is unwilling or incapable of self-reflection and change, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.