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Key points
- When we lose who we were through divorce, job loss, or physical challenges, we enter a time of transition.
- After a period of grieving, the challenge becomes discovering and living with a new sense of purpose.
- The keys are acknowledging your emotions and exploring to find new passions.
You’re going through a divorce or lost your partner and are now struggling to make sense of the past you knew with the past that now seems changed. You felt important in your job or as a parent, but now you’re retired, your children are independent, and you’ve lost that sense of purpose. You were physically able to do so much, but now, through injury, illness, or age, feel your limitations and find your life getting smaller.
Like a book, our lives move in chapters that we, as the authors, are writing in the present. One chapter closes—our relationship ends, our children leave, we retire from a long-term job—and we need to start and create a new one.
The challenge is often two-fold. The first part is the change in your everyday life; now that you’re not doing what you used to, how do you envision a good everyday life? Closely tied, and more importantly, is creating a new sense of purpose. The first is about reorienting your everyday living; the other is finding meaning. Here are eight tips to help you navigate this difficult transition:
1. Realize you’re grieving.
With any loss, no matter how large or small, comes grief—the obsessing, the guilt and anger, the making sense of it all. Grief has its own logic, a process to move through. The key is feeling that mix of emotions as they rise to the surface.
2. Realize that you are more than what you did.
While your past life may have seemed focused, you have always been more than what you did. You had other roles, interests, and dreams that were part of you, even if they took a backseat in your former life. Acknowledging the bigger you can help assuage the grief and open up opportunities.
3. See this time as a challenge.
“The worst thing that could happen never will,” said Charles Dickens, a perspective to keep in mind on those bad days. See this transition as a challenge, another to be added to the list of challenges you’ve undoubtedly faced and mastered before in your life. And on the difficult days, avoid slipping into that victim mentality by noticing and labeling it when it creeps up.
4. Start and discover new passions.
Rather than waiting till you feel better to begin, try moving forward as best you can despite how you feel to feel better. It’s time to explore, try, and do to see what creates a spark of interest or passion—a new hobby, like fly fishing or needlepoint, or a new activity, like dancing or volunteering. The key is action; you can’t figure this out sitting on the couch.
5. Rediscover aspects of your old self.
Not everything needs to be new; sometimes, returning to the old is good. Often, we reach a point when our lives are too narrow, too routinized, and stale because we’ve left out too much of our former selves.
Think back to those earlier dreams and activities that brought you joy in the past. You may not be able to do them at the same level you did when you were younger, but doing even a little bit is often its own reward.
6. Apply old skills in new ways.
As a supportive partner, parent, or company manager, you developed important skills. Now is the time to apply your skills in new forums and formats: Volunteer to serve on a community board or be a mentor to a teen. Step out, take stock of what you’re good at, and enjoy and find a home for these talents.
7. Have patience and realistic expectations.
Transitions are called transitions because they are an unfolding and evolving process. Just as your relationships unfolded over time, so will this new chapter of your life, likely in a few years.
A common course is several months of grief and disorientation, a few more of beginning to feel more stable, and then another year or so to feel that the former chapter is closed and the new one has taken root. So be patient, and don’t expect to turn your life around in a few weeks or months.
8. Find support.
It always helps to know not only you’re not alone but also that others are a few steps ahead of you and doing well. Here, you can reach out to retired colleagues or find online support groups for those having the same struggles to find role models and mentors. Consider doing therapy, even briefly, to help you learn new skills, keep perspective, and challenge you to keep moving forward.
Finding Your Purpose
Like finding your passions, you likely won’t figure out your purpose by ruminating on your couch. Hopefully, by taking these action steps—exploring and applying old skills, embracing your hard-won skills and knowledge, exploring new outlets and interests, and finding support and mentors—your new sense of purpose will come into focus. As Buckminster Fuller said, “What is the one thing that you can do that nobody else can do because of who you are?”
Though your former “one thing” may be gone, there’s likely another ready to replace it.
